Supporting Your Child’s Emotions During Uncertain Times

As families we are currently faced with enormous challenges we very likely did not predict or expect. Your children are probably home from school, you are likely working from home, the streets are eerily silent, and grocery stores are weird places. We’re all a little on edge, but as you might imagine, this is a difficult time for our children. You’ve likely seen a host of surprising emotions pour from them in recent weeks. We know you want to be there for your child, and this is a lot to handle at once. In this article we share some ideas to help you support your little ones as we all navigate through these tricky times.

Slow down

Our lives typically move at a fairly rapid pace. Now that many of us are forced to stay home, the change can feel a little jarring. Embrace slowing down; consider this an opportunity to take your time and really engage and recognize what is important in the moment. For those of you who are not staying home, we know this will be even more of a challenge than usual, but try to find ways to allow your child to do so.

Life moves on. We still have deadlines, and careful consideration of daily structure and schedule will help bring some normalcy to an otherwise chaotic period, but if you are at home, it’s okay to pause once in a while. Look out the window together and admire the rain pouring down. Make a delicious lunch together. Reread those library books you can’t return right now.

Make the connections they cannot

True story: a child takes out a toy they were given as a gift months ago. After spending time creating a masterpiece, they realize it won’t turn out as they planned. Tears begin to fall, which quickly turns into sobs and exclamations that this is the worst day of their lives. They are inconsolable. As the minutes tick by, you wonder why they are making such a big deal out of something so small.

It’s not really about the toy.

Your child probably doesn’t even realize it, but the sum of various stressors has built up and shown itself as an emotional outburst that feels extreme to those around them. It’s not. Their routine is different, they are missing spending time with their peers and teachers, and they know enough about what’s going on in the world to feel a little (or a lot) concerned. Our children are still learning to express themselves and identify their own emotions. They are not always able to make the connections, but we can.

While our own stress may be heightened as well, remember that it’s even harder for our children. Just knowing this can help us as parents find the empathy our children need from us in this unsettling time.  

Be there

We have our own work as adults. Working from home is an adjustment for those of us who don’t normally do so, and trying to balance that with being a teacher for your child is no easy feat. Some of us even have jobs that require us to support our communities in times of need. We have worries about our parents, grandparents, and others. We read the news and feel intense pressure to follow countless new procedures that are new and stressful. Those concerns are 100% valid. Take your time to deal with them as best you can.

As much as you are physically and emotionally able, remember to be there for your child. Be there to listen to them. Be there to play. Be there to snuggle when it all feels like too much. Show them that even though their world is unpredictable, you are there.

Be honest (but age-appropriate)

Our children are smart, and often pick up on more than we realize. Don’t try to hide what’s going on; talk to them. Does your six-year-old need to know about mortality rates? Of course not. Are they developmentally able to know that there is a virus traveling around the world that affects different people differently, and that the steps we are all taking are to help care for one another? They sure are.

You know your child best. Turn off the news on t.v., but talk to them. Give them the most information you can to help them feel informed, but not more than you think they can handle. Be open to questions. Let them know when you don’t have an answer or if you’re not comfortable talking about certain things.

Another important element of honesty right now: let your children in on your own emotions. Again, there is no need to burden them with things they are not ready to handle, but it’s a good thing to show them that even adults get scared. We have moments of worry, confusion, and frustration. Let them see that, and consider those moments as opportunities to model ways to appropriately express and process unpleasant emotions.

Highlight the positive

Spending your days at home together may not be what you had planned, but there is so much good that can come out of the unexpected. Spend a bit of time each day focusing on gratitude. Whether you point out little things in the moment, or make a more formal practice each evening as a family, finding ways to focus on what’s good is helpful for everyone. Some ideas:

• Share a news story of people finding beauty in challenging times (like the videos of Italians singing to one another from their balconies).

• Celebrate the fact that if you’re so inclined, you can bake cookies together in the middle of the afternoon.

• Over dinner, have everyone share one or two good things about their day.

• Depending on your location and restrictions, enjoy the fact that nature is one place that doesn’t close down. Take advantage of quiet trails, shorelines, and even parks. 

• Share the joy with others. Consider calling someone who lives by themselves and may be feeling lonely. It’s hard enough to self-isolate with others, but having no one to talk to day after day is even harder. 

We leave you with a poem of gratitude, written in the thirteenth century by Jalal Al-Din and translated by Coleman Barks and John Moyne.

Today, Like Every Other Day, We Wake Up Empty

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the
ground. 

Helping Children Deal With Fear

Every child feels fear from time to time. Whether it’s about the monster under the bed or thinking about a scary story a friend told them, it can be tricky as a parent to know how to help our children through those moments. This week we share our thoughts on fear and what we can do for our kids.

The science behind fear

Fear is one of the most primitive emotions we experience. Historically it served (and continues to serve) a vital function for survival. Fear is essentially what we feel when our brain perceives stimuli as dangerous.

A small part of our brain called the amygdala is where fear originates. Sensory information is sent here to process first; for example if you were to smell smoke in a building or hear a growl behind you in the woods, your amygdala would be the first to know. Your focus would become heightened, you might feel a rush of adrenaline, and your heart begins to beat faster as you decide what to do. This reaction is especially helpful in wild animals who are constantly faced with decisions that will affect their survival. It’s not always so helpful in humans who don’t have as many dangerous scenarios to contend with on a daily basis.

Luckily, humans are equipped with some highly-developed portions of the brain: the hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex. These are the areas that allow us to think critically and analyze information in ways that most organisms cannot. This is why some people enjoy scary movies, haunted houses, or other similar forms of entertainment. We are able to separate the physical response our amygdala sends with the reality we see before us. Unfortunately, there are times when our critical thinking doesn’t quite stand up to the job. Times of high stress are certainly one of these scenarios, as are certain chemical imbalances in the body. Children, and especially young children, haven’t yet formed a solid basis of reality and fantasy, so it can be very challenging for them to sort out what dangers are real and which ones are not.

Interestingly, our body’s physical reactions to fear are very similar to our physical reactions to excitement in positive situations. For example, in many ways you experience the thrill of riding a roller coaster in the same way you experience skidding in your car on an icy road. While on the roller coaster you might find yourself laughing, in your car, you'll likely feel yourself gripping the steering wheel and gritting your teeth. In both situations, your heart is pounding, your breathing quickens, and you’re not able to focus on anything else. Understanding this phenomenon can be helpful when we find ourselves feeling fearful about something we know doesn’t really present a true danger.

Explaining fear to children

Talking to your child about fear is a good idea, especially if it’s an emotion they’re experiencing frequently. How you explain it really depends on where they are developmentally. 

For the younger child, it can be helpful to tell them that fear is a normal part of being human. Acknowledge that it feels uncomfortable and emphasize that they are safe. Don’t minimize their fears, but gently help them explore the reality of the situation. A little snuggle time can go a long way.

As children get older, they might benefit from having you explain the science behind fear in a way they can understand. Again, we don’t want to minimize children’s fears, but we can certainly combine acknowledging them with gentle questioning. “I know you are afraid of that scary movie you saw with Grandpa. Do you think that could happen to you?”

Consider saving these types of discussions for a time when your child is not in the midst of experiencing fear. Unless you already had a conversation you can refer back to in the moment, they won’t be able to process new information at that time. Save it for later, when they are feeling calmer.

Practical tools that help

While we don’t necessarily want to discuss the science of fear while our child is in the middle of feeling afraid, there are things we can do to help them. Try these:

• Mountain Breath: Holding your hand in front of you, stretch out your fingers. Using one finger on the other hand as a pointer, begin on the outside edge of your pinky and trace upward. Stop at the tip of your finger, then begin to trace downward toward the valley between your pinky and ring fingers. Repeat this with your ring finger toward your middle finger, and so on for the rest. Each time your finger traces upward, breathe in while imagining that finger is climbing a mountain. At the fingertip, pause, hold your breath, and imagine you are looking around to enjoy the view. While you trace down the other side of your finger, let your breath out slowly as you envision yourself climbing down the mountain. Repeat 2-3 times.

• 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise: This helps remind the brain that we are not actually in that scary place, but in this safe place right now. Begin by looking around and naming 5 things you see (wall, shirt, mom, hand, chair). Next, name 4 things you can touch, while touching them (fabric, wood, hair, skin). Lastly, name 3 things you hear (fan, breath, cat). The numbers 2 and 1 are meant to tap into our sense of smell and taste, which isn’t always practical in the moment and can be left out.

• Meditation: Many types of meditation, especially when practiced regularly, can help ease our fears. If you’re interested in giving this strategy a try, look into body scan meditation (great for relaxation at bedtime!), loving-kindness meditation (for cultivating gratitude), and observation meditation (to see our fears more objectively).

Accepting the fear

Perhaps unsurprisingly, one of the hardest ways to escape our fears is by trying to escape our fears. We can remind our children that feeling afraid is normal, and it’s okay to feel that way. We can notice the ways in which our body reacts to fear. We can pay attention to what kinds of situations make us feel afraid. We can try to learn more about ourselves. We can accept that fear is just a part of our lives.

This goes for parents, too. We hate to see our children feeling badly. We instinctively want to make things better for them, but that’s not always possible. We can listen, we can validate, we can teach, but beyond that we need to accept that fear is a normal part of growing up. And, as we know, it’s a normal part of being a grownup, too!

10 Little Ways to Show Them You Love Them

We all tell our children we love them, and it’s so important that they hear it! Looking for some fun ways to mix it up and show them you love them? Check out our ten tips:

1. Keep some dry erase markers handy

Dry erase markers work really well on glass surfaces such as windows and mirrors. No matter what age your child is, this simple and fun idea will put a smile on their face: using the markers, leave your child random notes. We use the word “note” loosely; pictures count, too, especially for little ones who aren’t reading yet! You don’t need to be a natural artist or poet, either. A simple “Good morning!” on the bathroom mirror with a shining sun is a nice surprise for anyone.

2. Go beyond the lunch note

You’ll need a permanent marker for this one. The next time you pack a banana or a hard boiled egg in your child’s lunch, have fun with a little simple art! Eggs are the perfect shape to draw silly faces on, and bananas are great for a short note or just a row of hearts.

3. Play

This one can be tough. At the end of a long day, we adults are tired. Oftentimes, the last thing we want to do is play a game with our child that’s not overly interesting to us. We challenge you to muster up just a little energy, though, for that time spent together can make a huge difference in how they feel. Build with Legos, play a board game, or put together a puzzle. The joy on your child’s face will be well worth it.

4. Use music

Humans can’t help but react to music. Use this to your advantage to make monotonous moments fun! Play your child’s favorites as a way to wake them up in the morning, to help them get through boring chores, or to dance around the kitchen while you’re making dinner together. Play them some of your favorites, too! 

5. Put your phone down

It’s really easy to get sucked into our smartphones. Our devices are so helpful in so many ways, but we should be careful that they don’t get in the way of our human relationships. When you’re with your child, really be with your child. They won’t feel like they have to compete with a screen, and you will enjoy the time more.

6. Really listen

Our lives are full. Really full. Even the most organized people can feel rushed and overscheduled. Make sure you take some time to slow down and really listen to and hear your child. What are they trying to tell you? This can be especially important when they pour their hearts out at bedtime. Be there for them when they’re little, and they’ll come to you when they’re older.

7. Tell them when you notice

We are not advocates of traditional praise. Studies show that it does little to actually encourage positive behaviors, and as Montessorians our intention is to let children focus on how they feel about their work and not to seek approval from others. The solution? Phrase your praise differently. Instead of “Nice job!” try “I notice you worked really hard to get that done. How do you feel?” Focus on your observation and their perspective rather than your own opinions.

8. Cuddle

Perhaps the simplest tip on the list, it’s a super important one. Make time to snuggle with your little ones as long as they will let you. When they get older and no longer want that, hugs, pats on the back, or a squeeze of their hand are other physical ways to show your love.

9. Say it in another language

Just to mix it up and have fun, learn how to say “I love you” in another language. American Sign Language is a simple and fun way that can let you and your child tell each other without verbally saying a word. You can even make up your own silly and secret code phrase that means “I love you”.

10. Help them

We spend a lot of time working hard to foster independence in our children, and it’s really important to do so. Just remember, though, that we all need help sometimes. Perhaps your child has been zipping their own jacket for a year now, but their having a tough day and your notice they’re struggling. Ask them if they’d like your help. This doesn’t make them any less independent (especially when it’s once in a while), it just teaches them that we can all show each other a little kindness.

Have you tried any of these tips before? Let us know how they work out for you and if you have any others you think should be on the list!

Realistic Parenting

When we become parents, we get to experience a range of human instincts we had never imagined previously.  We understand on a deep, primal level that we are responsible for the safe and successful growth of our child as they move toward maturity.  This is no small task, and sometimes just the thought of what we must do can feel crippling.

Couple that huge responsibility with the constant influx of parenting advice and information that we are subjected to today, and the task can seem nearly impossible.  Parents are left feeling overwhelmed, underprepared, and anxious about every little decision.  We spend more time with our children and know more about them as individual people than parents of any other generation, yet too many of us worry that we are failing them in some way (either once in a while or more often than that).

We invite you to step back with us and take a collective deep breath.  We want you to know that it doesn’t have to feel this way.

We want you to know that you are already an amazing parent.  If you love your child and genuinely care about their well-being, you are doing a great job.  

Here are a few statements that may come in handy, today or some other day:

• That behavior your child has been displaying?  It’s probably developmentally appropriate and will change in time.

• That study you read that contradicts with what you’ve already been doing?  Take it with a grain of salt; not all scientific information is definitive. 

• That advice you’ve been getting from your mother-in-law/friend/stranger in the grocery store?  Smile and move on with your day.  You know what’s best for your child.

• Those stunning pictures of playrooms you’ve seen on Instagram?  Social media gives us a false sense of expectations.  It’s not reality.  You’re not seeing what’s just outside the frame.  

• That must-have toy/book/play structure that will set your child behind if they don’t have it?  They will be fine without it.

• The same goes for all those extracurriculars - encourage your child to follow their passions, but they don’t need to have sports, music, language, and art classes in their life all at once.  

• That article you read on our blog that makes you feel like you’ve missed the mark somewhere along the way?  You haven’t!  There is so much information available - some helpful and some not - take the bits that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

• It is not your responsibility to keep your child happy 24/7.  Happiness comes from within, and it’s not normal to feel that way all the time.  

• Those moments when you feel like a rotten parent?  Well, we all have those moments.  The truth is, we all make mistakes, but more often than not we are holding ourselves accountable to unrealistic standards.  Sometimes we have to sit with feeling frustrated and uncomfortable, because parenting isn’t always roses and rainbows.

We’re going to go out on a limb and guess that none of this is news to you.  We just want you to hear it from us: parenting is not a perfect art.  There are no experts.  Even those moms and dads that seem to have it together have their moments!

So, what can we actually do as parents?  How can we raise our children with mindfulness, love, and gratitude?  The key is to just keep it simple.  When the days start to feel too hectic and crazy, dial it back.  Find your way back to joyful living as a family.

Here are a few simple ways to be a great parent without stressing about being a great parent:

1. Don’t worry about what other people think. 

So your 5-year-old wants to wear the right side of their hair in a braid and the other side down and full of sparkly clips to that party at Grandma’s house?  Let them!  If someone can’t appreciate the adorable creative expression, that’s on them.  The same goes for a million other parenting choices that people often feel they have the right to criticize.  They don’t.  If you’re feeling brave you could politely tell them so, but if not a vague smile and nod goes a long way.

2. Encourage your child to be independent. 

You don’t need to be on every moment.  Your child should be able to entertain themselves some of the time.  Of course the length and duration of time will vary greatly depending on age, but you can teach them early that they are able to do things for themselves.  Not only will this allow you to focus some of your time on necessary tasks (including that moment to just sit with a piece of chocolate), but you will be helping your child learn critical skills that will carry them through the rest of their lives.

3. Lean on your community. 

You don’t have to do this parenting thing alone.  We all need other adults in our village to get us through the tough times and help us celebrate the good ones.  Look to your child’s teachers, other parents, or friends when you need them.  While we shouldn’t take all the information thrown at us too seriously, we should have people we trust and can turn to when we actually do need advice.  Sometimes it can feel empowering just to hear that others are going through similar experiences.  If you don’t already have parent friends, make a point to seek some out.  Time spent with them will help put everything into perspective.

We hope this article has put a little bit of love into your day.  If you need any support on this (or any other) topic, please feel free to reach out.  We are here for you.  

Raising a Reader

Over the years, study after study has proven the importance of emphasizing reading in the lives of young children.  The benefits are numerous and varied, and you can learn about just a few of them here. You have no doubt heard the advice before, but here are four simple steps to raising your child as a reader.

1. Read aloud to your child

If you don’t already, now is a great time to start.  Regardless of their age, reading aloud to your child every day will make a huge impact.  Babies begin to learn early language by hearing a parent read.  Toddlers and preschoolers increase their vocabulary, which helps them excel in the classroom.  Elementary-aged children can listen to your voice to learn about fluency, pace, inflection, and emphasis as they begin to read aloud.  Even preteens and young teenagers stand to benefit from reading aloud if they’ll still let you (many will!); reading together as your child gets older is an opportunity for bonding and to discuss a wide variety of topics.

The key?  Make reading aloud part of your routine.  Many families squeeze it in at bedtime, but find a time that works for you.  Mixing it up can keep reading fun.  Explore picture books and chapter books, Caldecott and Newbery winners, or delve into an author study.  Make sure the books are something you both enjoy and you will both look forward to the experience.

2. Let your child see you reading

Specifically, let your child see you reading for pleasure.  As a busy parent, it can be easy to let enjoyable reading slip to the wayside, but modeling the habit will help instill it in your child.

One simple way to make this happen?  Set aside some family quiet reading time on the weekends.  Everyone can get comfy, gather up their books, and sit together while doing their own reading.  This may be tough to do in the beginning, especially for little ones, but with some practice you may all come to love this special ritual.  Two pro tips: grab some snacks and use a visual timer.

3. Support their gradual independence

At some point (often during first grade but there is plenty of variability) your child should begin reading to themselves for 20-30 minutes each night.  As with any other skill, this doesn’t happen overnight, and takes lots of support and incremental steps toward independence.

If your child isn’t reading yet or is resistant to reading, don’t push it.  The goal is to keep reading fun.  If you have specific questions about your child’s progress, their teacher is your best resource.

If your child is starting to read on their own, take it slow and don’t expect too much at once.  Some ideas:

• Read a familiar book (rhyming books work best for this).  Point to the last word on a page without saying it and let your child chime in.

• Take turns.  To prevent fatigue, try alternating pages.  You read a page, your child reads a page, and so on.  

• Utilize a combination of read aloud and read alone time.  You may read one picture book or a chapter, then send your child off to bed to read to themselves until it’s time to go to sleep.

• Designate specific read aloud and read alone days of the week.

• Remember that everyone has tired and grumpy days.  Sometimes we all need a break!

Another great way to support early readers is to suggest strategies or point out when you notice they are using them.  Pictures can help us figure out words we don’t know.  Breaking a word into chunks is another helpful strategy.  Asking ourselves, “Does that make sense?” is a good idea.  Even the act of noticing when we’ve made a mistake, and going back to reread is the sign of a great reader.

4. Help them discover books they love

The best way to raise a reader is to surround them with books they love.

Some parents may balk at this.  After all, do we really want to encourage those books about bathroom humor, or graphic novels that have more illustrations than words?  Yes!  We do!  Many graphic novels today and visually stunning but also great examples of a newer style of literature.  As for the potty joke/unicorn puppy/tv character books?  Treat them like you might treat candy.  Explain to your child that we all enjoy a little junk once in a while and that’s okay, but we need to balance our reading diet just like we balance our food diet.

What is your child interested in?  Nonfiction is often a great place to start.  There are books written for all interests and it’s often easy to find them at all reading levels.  As time goes on, you may notice your child gravitating toward a particular genre or author.  Go with the flow!  Their interests will change over time, but we can all remember a time when we couldn’t stop ourselves from soaking up every book we could in a series.

Introducing our children to a wide variety of genres is a good idea.  Think beyond fact and fantasy!  Try out some realistic fiction, historical fiction, poetry, folktales, myths and legends, or even a play script.  

There are lots of great ways to keep your collection fresh without breaking the bank.  Visit your local library, check out second-hand bookstores, have a book swap with friends, or organize a used book sale.  

We hope these tips have been helpful.  Do you have any you would add to the list?

Wishing you all many beautiful years of reading with your child!

5 Fun Ways to Bring the Outdoors Indoors

It’s no surprise that we tend to spend more time indoors during the winter than we do during the warmer months.  While your kids may have a blast playing outside some of the time, they will inevitably get cold at some point and need to come inside.  The good news is that doesn’t mean their experiences with the outdoors needs to stop!

Here we share five fun and simple ways to bring nature inside.

1. Snow play for the littlest ones

We are full advocates for the Scandinavian saying: “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.”  Everyone has their limits, however, and you may not be keen on taking your infant out in sub-freezing temperatures.  

The solution?  Bring a little bit of the white stuff inside for them to explore.  This idea is really as simple as it gets, but can provide your baby or toddler with an interesting and enriching experience.  Grab a tray, a sturdy bowl, or even a heavy baking dish, and put just a few handfuls of snow inside.  Set it on a floor surface that you don’t mind getting a little wet and invite your child to explore.  A large bath towel underneath can make the whole experience a little more comfortable for them and make cleanup even easier for you.

(In the meantime, you can send older kids outside to try out some of these cool snow experiments.)

2. Plant a few seeds

It may not be prime gardening season, but the warmth inside should be enough for this fun activity.  Keep in mind the point is just to grow something; don’t worry about producing edible vegetables or gorgeous blooms.  Gather a few materials:

• A container - preferably a small pot with adequate drainage, but anything similar will do

• Some soil - you can pick up potting soil at your local garden center if the ground outside your house is frozen

• Seeds!  These can really be anything.  Perhaps you have some leftover bean seeds from last year’s garden.  Maybe you have some dried lentils in your pantry.  You could even save a few seeds from that pepper you cut up for dinner.

Find a warm, sunny spot in your home and have your child help you plant, water, and observe the seed.  You can read books together about plants, research the specific plant you’re growing, or even tie in some math with measurement and data collection.

Feeling inspired?  This is a great time of year to begin planning your spring garden!  Children will love helping to draw out plans and look through seed catalogs.

3. Create natural tablescapes

Everyone appreciates a beautiful centerpiece.  Why spend money on flowers wrapped in plastic when you can find beauty in your own backyard?  On a not-so-chilly day, take a walk with your child and collect beautiful pieces to arrange.  Using a vase (or even a mason jar or glass milk bottle), proudly display what you find.

Keep an eye out for:

• Interesting branches (birch and dogwood have unexpected color, but regular brown colored branches are just as pretty!)

• Evergreen foliage - pine, holly, and other types of shrubs and bushes can give your home a beautiful green look

• Dried berries and flowers

• Pinecones

Once inside you can add candles, ribbon, or whatever else you have lying around.  Ask your kids to come up with ideas, too!

4. Make something for the animals

Ice, snow, and frigid temperatures can make finding food difficult for wild animals.  Have fun making treats for them while also cultivating a sense of generosity with your children.  

Remember covering pinecones with peanut butter and birdseed when you were a child?  Birds still love them.  Try this fun and super simple activity with your own children!  Find whatever string or yarn you have and hang them from nearby bushes and trees.

Another fun project: pop up a big batch of popcorn, and using a needle and thread, make a long string to hang.  This activity is great for older children, and as a bonus they can snack while they create.

Looking for more ideas?  Check out this site.

Wondering whether it’s a good idea to feed the birds?  Here’s what the Audubon Society has to say about it. 

5. Set up a bird watching station

All those bird treats you made together?  Put them on double duty: set them up in a spot where your children can see the birds out the window and you can create hours of entertainment.

If you happen to have a window that looks out toward trees or bushes, it may just be the perfect spot to try and attract local birds.  Set up some bird feeders or homemade bird treats and wait for them to come.  Meanwhile, set the scene inside as well.  A comfortable chair or pillow on the floor will encourage children to sit and watch.  Visit your local library and borrow a few bird-specific field guides to help with identification.  Other fun items to leave nearby: a pair of binoculars, a sketch pad and colored pencils, or a journal.  

Enjoy!

What does your family do to appreciate nature during the winter?