Silver Linings: Moments of Joy Amidst the Challenges

Growing up during a global pandemic is a challenge. For that matter, so is parenting and educating children during this time. How can we create an atmosphere of normal when our world is anything but?

Somehow, even with remote learning, safety precautions, separation from friends and family, and so much more, there are still glimmers of good. A global threat has somehow managed to connect us all while making our little worlds a bit smaller and a bit more cozy. We have been forced to slow down. Our perspectives have adjusted. And although we are still facing critical challenges, we can all agree that the moments of joy in between have been even sweeter.

After hearing from parents and teachers, we decided to share some of their words and the silver linings they have been experiencing. We would love to hear from you; please join the conversation and let us know how your family has found moments of joy throughout the past year.

Spending more time together as a family

Early last year it felt like the world came to a grinding halt. Like it or not, many of us suddenly found ourselves at home a whole lot more than we were used to. Schools turned to remote learning and offices had employees working from home. We all became well-versed in navigating zoom calls, simultaneously juggling parenting and working, finding a bit of grace when we couldn’t balance it all, and, perhaps unsurprisingly, we began to delight in the extra time together as a family.

Without commutes and social obligations, we have found ourselves gathering around the coffee table for board games. Family movie nights have been a regular occurrence, and who among us hasn’t stepped up their cooking and/or baking game?

Even as our schedules have slowly inched their way back toward some semblance of normality, the extra family time has remained a newly treasured value for many of us.

“Without after-school activities or weekend events, we have been more involved with each other and spending quality time together. Things that we may have done once a week and squeezed into busy schedules have become routine. Cooking as a family, game nights, Jenga before school, even raking leaves becomes a family project and a chance to be silly together. We have pulled in and around each other, becoming even better friends and companions as we realize how important it is to protect ourselves and our community. We have also come to treasure the family moments that we have with grandparents and cousins instead of taking their presence for granted as we did before.”

We have begun to more fully recognize the preciousness of our time together. We cannot control what happens in the larger world around us, but we can focus inward and relish in the beauty of spending more time with our children. 

“I feel guilty saying this, with all of the loss and hardship that so much of the world has experienced due to the pandemic, but these days have been a truly wonderful time for us.  We've never cared much for routines and schedules.  What feels like uncertainty, boredom, and loss of structure to some, feels like a gift to us.  A gift of freedom to chase whatever butterflies emerge from our imaginations.  And, with fewer places to be, fewer people to meet, a gift of time to chase our butterflies as far as we want.  We often wake up with ideas of things we want to create.” 

The admirable resilience of our children

“In a world where grown-ups complain and refuse to do the right thing, I watched our child and others easily adapt to wearing masks and taking safety precautions. I try to see the world through her eyes and enjoy the simplicity of doing the right thing without complaint or issue.”

While we are not in any way diminishing the challenges our children have faced, it has been pretty amazing to watch how well they have coped overall. Some folks have been taken aback by just how well their kids have adjusted. Many of our children have stepped up and shown a level of independence and maturity that surprises us. Other parents have admired the ease in which they have adapted to regulations designed for keeping us all safe.

“The growth that came with adjusting to remote learning. I’ve watched my 8-year-old behave like a college student - figuring out and tracking assignments, joining zoom meetings and taking on time management in a way many adults aren’t able to. I’m so proud of her! The independence fostered through Montessori methods has really shone brightly during this dark time.”

Celebrating the silliness

For teachers, the children continue to be a source of inspiration and this sometimes shines through in delightfully unexpected ways. One Montessori guide shared how new disinfecting guidelines led one of her primary students to encourage her in the cutest way possible.

“We are cleaning, now more than ever before, in the classroom. The day is broken by random spurts of spraying and cleaning and hand washing and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning! One day the youngest member of our class watched me spraying down a desk and said, “You are doing a great job!” His innocent comment made me laugh and calmed me in my rush of cleaning.” 

Getting Creative

For so many of us, more time at home has meant more time for creativity. As we mentioned earlier in the article, many families have taken to the kitchen. Some have created makeshift art studios. Some have created elaborate blanket forts or marble runs made out of toilet paper tubes taped to hallway walls.

Montessori often spoke about the need to give our children long periods of uninterrupted time so that they may delve deeply into areas of interest. While this is the basis for Montessori work periods, it has also found an unexpected application in our forced time at home. Our kids are showing us interests, talents, and skills that we may have never even known they had. It is amazing to watch their deep focus, and their joy in what they create.

“These days, we can make spy cases for all occasions (we now have the lady's handbag, art case, and toolbox models), with hidden compartments, handmade spy tools, and secret agent case files; fully engineered and illustrated card games and board games (that are actually fun to play!); and a hand-bound, hand-drawn nutshell library of original stories (a work in progress).  One morning, I had an "epiphany," as Paloma likes to call it. I said to her, "I have an idea.  It's just a small one."  And with a knowing (and complicit) smile, she replied, "You don't have small ideas."  She doesn't either.  And the time we've been given means that we don't have to make our ideas smaller.”

None of us know exactly when this pandemic will end. We still face so many serious challenges of many types, and we must work hard to support and protect one another. But let us take just a bit of time to notice the good, for there is much of that as well.

Book List: To Read Before Family Movie Night

There are SO many incredible pieces of children’s literature that have eventually been made into movies. In this article, we’d like to share just a few of our favorites. With a bit of extra time at home together, you might enjoy reading one of these books together, then watching the movie. Children love noticing the similarities and differences, plus doing so is great for building reading comprehension skills.

Enjoy! 

The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg

The classic Christmas tale is appealing to both children and adults. It’s hard to tell which is more magical - the story of a boy’s journey to the North Pole or the stunningly gorgeous illustrations. So many movies stray noticeably far from their original book inspiration, but this one does not. The movie evokes the same feel of the book’s plot and artwork.

Shrek! by William Steig

Many of us are familiar with the animated classic, but did you know that Shrek! originated as a hilariously disgusting children’s book? Shrek reaches an age at which his parents decide to kick him out of their swamp and out on his own. Shrek prides himself on his repulsiveness, and after meeting a fortune-telling witch on his journey, he sets out on a mission to find his princess.

Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

Max, like most children, is replete with mischief. Unfortunately, one evening, his mother has had enough of his antics and sends him to bed with no supper. Whether Max slips into a dream or sets out on a journey is left for readers to wonder, but his travels take him across vast oceans to a land of mysterious beasts, of which he becomes the leader.

The BFG by Roald Dahl, illustrated by Quentin Blake

One evening Sophie peeks out her bedroom window, only to see a large creature. When the creature sees her, he packs her up with his things and takes her away to his distant home. Luckily, for Sophie, the creature is the BFG, or the Big Friendly Giant. They become fast friends on a mission to save the world from the other giants, who are even bigger and not the least bit friendly.

The Ramona series by Beverly Cleary

Children have loved this relatable series for generations. Romana and her big sister Beezus, their cat Picky-Picky, and their parents live on Klickitat Street. The books explore all sorts of phases and situations children understand, including sibling relationships, friendships, starting at a new school, negotiating with parents, having to spend time with a babysitter, mischief caused by pets, preparing for a new baby, and so much more.  

Because of Winn Dixie by Kate DiCamillo

Young Opal is new in town, and she and her father the preacher are all alone. Opal thinks about her mother, who left when she was three years old, and wishes she knew more about her. One day, while Opal was in the Winn Dixie grocery store, a stray dog snuck in and began running around the produce aisle. It was on that day Opal claimed him as her own, named him Winn Dixie, brought him home for a bath, and her life began to change.

Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White

Fern, a precocious child, begs and pleads with her father in an attempt to save the life of a young runt pig. Her father capitulates, and Fern cares for the growing pig (Wilbur) until he is too large and is sent to live at her uncle’s nearby farm. It is here that Wilbur meets a new friend - a spider named Charlotte. After learning about Wilbur’s unfortunate probable fate, he and Charlotte work together in an attempt to save him, securing his safety and cementing their friendship.

The Witches by Roald Dahl, illustrated by Quentin Blake

A young boy and his grandmother take a vacation together, during which they find themselves inadvertently amongst a convention of witches. Witches, in Dahl’s tale, look very much like ordinary women, but after a childhood mishap, the grandmother knows exactly how to spot one. She teaches her grandson all she knows, and the two work together in hopes of protecting children everywhere.

Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

Be warned: this book is beautifully written, but terribly sad.  Jesse and Leslie are both in need of a friend. They’re neighbors, the same age, and seem to have a lot in common - even when they don’t. Near the creek by their homes they create an imaginary world that they both retreat to as often as possible. Their friendship grows, and Jesse’s life changes for the better. One day when Jesse is away, he returns to discover a horrible tragedy.

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

Bilbo Baggins is a hobbit; and imaginary creature of Tolkien’s creation. This is a story of an epic journey which Baggins takes in hopes of winning a share of a treasure guarded by a dragon. Throughout his journey, he grows as a character in various ways. Another well-known book and sequel to The Hobbit is The Lord of the Rings.

Practical Life: From Hand Washing to Entrepreneurship

Practical life is one of Montessori education's core components, and it’s one of the vital elements that make it stand out from other models. The work comes in a variety of forms, too. Guides give direct lessons, children are afforded time and space to practice, and much of the learning is built authentically into the daily routine.

What practical life looks like throughout the different stages of childhood is where things get interesting. Read on to learn a bit about the skills we teach at various ages and how you might implement the practice at home with your own child. 

Toddler Environments

• Food tasting - In lieu of a traditional snack time, many toddler classrooms include tasting opportunities. This includes a formal sit down with all the children at a table and incorporates teaching children how to pass serving dishes or serve one another. The fun and routine of regular food tasting allows toddlers to try a variety of foods and flavors that they may not have otherwise.

• Table setting - To prepare for food tasting, children take turns helping to set the table. This is a skill that toddlers are fully capable of (with a bit of guidance) and allows them to contribute to the group while building a sense of confidence.

• Window washing - The funny thing about young children is they love to clean. For adults, a task like washing windows is just one more tedious item to check off the list; for kids it’s an exciting new adventure that makes them feel grown-up. Toddler guides provide children with the necessary tools, they give a brief lesson, and allow the children to practice.

• Sweeping - As you might imagine, there are plenty of spills in any classroom! One of the first ways many Montessori guides teach children to sweep is to tape off a small square on the floor. Children are meant to sweep debris into the square to make it easier to then collect with a dustpan and brush. This is something you can try at home, too.

• Folding napkins - Folding laundry may seem like an endless task, but when your toddlers want to help, let them! Small, square items, like napkins, washcloths, and dish towels, are perfect for small hands to practice with. Demonstrate wordlessly with one or two, then give them a pile to work on. You will be amazed at their intense focus and ability.

• Handwashing - There are specific Montessori lessons to teach a child to wash their hands. This is an especially important skill for them to master now, and parents can easily demonstrate and guide children through the steps at home as well.

• Pouring activities - The opportunities for pouring are endless. Montessori environments may provide children with small trays complete with prepared pouring activities. This may include a small pitcher and a bowl that water can be transferred between.

• Plant care - With guidance, toddlers may begin to learn about basic plant care, including watering.

• Basic organization - We believe it’s important to teach children organization right from the start, and children in the first plane of development have finely tuned sense of order, which makes this great timing. When a child arrives in the morning, they are responsible for hanging their coat on their designated hook. If a child takes a work off a shelf, we teach them how to return it to its proper spot.

• Putting on and taking off one’s coat and shoes - Basic self care is important, and another great opportunity to nurture independence. It may take some time and practice, but toddler guides teach and encourage children to put on and take off their own shoes and coats. Want to try this at home? Check out this great video of the “Montessori coat flip.”

Primary Environments

• Controlled walking - Refinement of gross motor skills is one important area primary children work on throughout the course of their three-year cycle. Montessori guides may tape a circle onto the floor for children to walk on. As a challenging extension, students may hold a bell while walking, with the goal of not allowing it to ring.

• Carrying items - It’s important to teach children how to carry items properly, whether that be a tray of work, a glass of water, or even a chair safely across the room.

• Transfer work - Small trays of transfer work can be found on the shelves of any primary classroom. Children work on their fine motor skills by moving small objects (pom poms, beads, stones) from one bowl or container to another using various tools (tongs, spoons, etc.).

• Using tools - From kitchen tools like whisks and apple slicers, to handy tools like screwdrivers and hammers, primary-aged children have the opportunity to try out and master a wide variety.

• Pouring activities - Much like in the toddler environment, primary children work with pouring activities. Rice is often used, as well as water, and cleaning up spills is a part of the work.

• Rolling mats - Montessori children use work mats to define their space (both for themselves and their classmates). Learning how to properly roll and store these mats makes them neat and available to the next child.

• Plant care - A continuation of the toddler work, children in the primary classroom learn how to water plants, as well as dust their leaves and ensure proper sunlight. They may even have opportunities to garden with their class.

• Cleaning the classroom environment - Children aged 3-6 are still primed with a sense of order, and they delight in assisting in cleaning the classroom environment. Using real mops, brooms, and sponges, they are given lessons and ample time to practice.

• Handwashing - Again, a continuation of the work in the toddler classroom, primary students are taught how to carefully and effectively wash their hands.

• Dressing frames - These lovely Montessori materials consist of a wooden frame with fabric and various types of fasteners. One frame teaches children to button, while another allows for practice zippering, using hooks and eyes, buckling, lacing, tying, and more.

• Food preparation - There are so many skills to be taught in the kitchen (and classroom!). Children typically start with cutting and slicing, then move on to spreading, stirring and mixing, peeling, juicing, and preparing basic multi-step snacks.

• Grace and courtesy - We believe that caring for one another is a big part of our basic practical life skillset. We teach our students how to greet one another, how to have appropriate conversations, and how to welcome a guest into the classroom.

Elementary Environments

• Food preparation - Food prep is often seen as a staple of the primary environment, but it should (and does) continue well beyond. Different schools and teachers approach this work differently, however, and it can take on so many forms. Some classes make a treat for each child’s birthday, while others prepare meals for special occasions, or even weekly.

• Meal preparation - Beyond the act of chopping and cooking, many Montessori elementary students are able to experience the work that comes beforehand, including recipe selection and shopping for ingredients within a budget.

• Cleaning the classroom environment - The glorious sense of order that graces the first plane quickly dissolves when children enter their elementary years. This means there are plenty of messes to clean up, and lots of opportunities to teach children how to do so. Working clean-up time into the regular routine is one way we foster a sense of responsibility in our students.

• Plant and animal care - Elementary children continue to assist with plant care as they did in the primary years, yet this is often extended to assisting the guides with caring for any class pets. This is often done on a rotating basis, as most children are enamored with animals and jobs that involve their care are quite coveted!

• Handwork - It is during the elementary years that children discover the calming nature of handwork. What often begins with simple finger knitting can take on a wide variety of forms. Children in a Montessori class can often be seen engaging in these types of activities during read alouds, when they complete their work, or when they need a moment to calm and/or center themselves.

• Community service - During the second plane of development children are able to see the world beyond themselves. They begin to contemplate society and their role within it, while also harboring a deep sense of justice and fairness. This makes it the perfect time to introduce service learning. Service projects are best formulated by allowing the students to drive the mission with adults serving as guides who help out with logistics.

• Grace and courtesy - As children age, grace and courtesy becomes more about how to interact with others on a deeper level. School-aged children have a strong desire to socialize, but they still have a lot to learn about how to do so with grace. We can help - by teaching skills like conflict resolution, and by reading stories about children who encounter typical social situations, priming them for discussions that create solutions.

• Going out - Elementary children are ready to engage with the larger community. By allowing them to plan trips that are related to their studies or areas of interests, a whole host of skills can be taught, including phone etiquette, taking public transportation, and how to behave in different settings and speak with different people. Beyond the scope of the traditional ‘field trip’, going out involves the development of critical life skills.

Adolescent Environments

• Business management - The Montessori adolescent environment is centered on the students working together to run a business. Their multiple years in the community mean they have opportunities to try out a wide variety of roles, too. While the traditional business is a working farm, many Montessori schools have adapted the concept to meet their own local needs.

• Financial responsibility - Running a business includes making purchasing decisions, setting cost prices, and creating enough revenue to stay afloat. Montessori adolescents are able to have valuable practice making financial decisions before they ever leave for college.

• Independent interactions with community members - Teens are social creatures, and Montessori programs allow them to develop connections with their larger community. Their work includes reaching out to and planning with other adults and businesses in the local community, giving them experience that will help them succeed in the future and be contributing members of their communities.

• Meal planning, preparation, and food service - Whether this work is a part of their business or simply regular preparation of meals for one another, middle- and high-school Montessori students are able to have hands-on experience creating and serving meals to others. This will prepare them to learn healthy eating habits and nurture an appreciation for culinary arts.

• Agricultural skills - Whether a Montessori adolescent program runs a full farm or a CSA for micro-greens, their work incorporates botany and an understanding of local agriculture. At the very least, this gives them an understanding and new connection to their larger food system.

Please note that the skills we have listed for each age group are far from exhaustive. These are just a few of the highlights! We hope you have found this article informative, and maybe even inspiring.  

Grace and Courtesy: More Than Manners

Sometimes it can feel like our society has abandoned previous social norms. In some ways, this is a good thing, especially when social norms are not inclusive or are harmful. Many of these norms, however, are important in nurturing a society in which human beings treat each other with kindness and respect.

Somewhere along the way we forgot our manners.

This brings us to a critical element in Montessori education: grace and courtesy. It’s so important to us, we even name it, and our teachers are trained specifically to address and teach grace and courtesy in their classrooms.

We certainly do not mean to say we live in a world full of rudeness (although it can feel that way at times!); there is plenty of good and plenty of people who do still care about grace and courtesy. What we are saying is that perhaps our society hasn’t emphasized it quite as much as we should have, and important parts of our humanity are sometimes being forgotten in the midst of regular discourse and relationships.

So, what can we do?

We can start by telling you where we focus our efforts. We can fill you in on how we teach the children in our care. When parents are able to recreate these efforts at home (as you likely already do), the effects tend to trickle outward into the community. In the short term, we are all modeling for those immediately surrounding us. In the longer term, we are working together to raise children who will go out into the world and do the same.

When our children are very young (infants and toddlers), the most important way we can teach grace and courtesy is through modeling. We can really show up for them. We can be present. We can be the people we hope they will grow to become. For many of us in today’s hurried world, this can mean slowing down a bit and noticing more.

Is your infant gazing at you? Gaze back. When they babble, echo their sounds or speak to them. When your toddler struggles to find the words to explain their emotions, sit, listen, and be there to supply them with the words they may not have. It’s also important to remember that our children do not just learn from their own interactions with us, but the interactions they see us having with others. Be mindful of how you speak with your partner, how you treat those in your neighborhood, how you interact with the barista at the coffee shop, and so on. Your child will be watching, and learning. 

As our children grow a bit older, we might give them opportunities to practice grace and courtesy in their home and classroom environments. We can teach them how to greet others, how to resolve conflicts, and how to help someone who needs it. We must also teach them how to care for themselves and their environments. From learning to brush their own hair and wipe the crumbs from their face after a meal, to putting away their toys and helping with basic chores, there are so many different ways we can encourage children to learn and grow.

During the early elementary years, children reach a different stage in their development. They are more capable of abstract thought and begin to learn about and think about the larger world around them. They also have an internal drive toward fairness and justice, which makes them primed to learn about peace, kindness, empathy, and generosity. We can be rather frank with children when teaching them about many of the injustices in our world. They want to learn, and they will want to help.

Service projects are a great way for children to engage in this important work. Some projects Montessori students have done with their class include:

• Selling their old books to raise money to purchase a CSA share for those in need.

• Visiting a nursing home to sing songs during the holiday season.

• Cleaning up trash around the neighborhood.

• Collecting food for and volunteering at a local food pantry.

Find a cause the child is passionate about and help guide them toward being part of the solution. It is important that the child be involved throughout the process for the learning to be effective. They must help decide what cause they want to address, as well as help in developing the plan of action, and completing the action itself. You may notice their concerns during the course of conversations with them, or you may need to ask.

A quick summary of how parents can support grace and courtesy work at home:

• Allow your infants and toddlers to immerse themselves in the family environment and activities. Listen to them and give them your full attention when they need it. They may not have fully developed language, but they are full human beings, and we can show them the same honor and respect we do to people of older ages. This will not only allow them to feel their own value and worth, it will lay the groundwork for how they treat others throughout their lives.

• Teach your preschoolers how to take care of themselves and create structures that allow them to practice these skills. Even young children are capable of so much more than most adults give them credit for! Teach them how to meet their own hygiene needs, how to choose appropriate clothing, and how to listen to their bodies’ nutritional cues...and then give them the space to do this work.

• Preschoolers should also be given the information, tools, and time to help care for the home. Teach them basic chores and enlist in their help around the house. You may be surprised to find how much they enjoy this!

• Guide your child to care for others. When they are young, the work may be focused on manners and resolving conflicts peacefully. As they grow, this work will continue, but when they develop the capability to look outward, support their desire to contribute to their community. Children innately want to do good. They want to help others. One of the most important ways we can support them is to guide them toward becoming good community members.

Thank you - for taking the time to read this article, for being a part of our community, and for allowing us to join you on your parenting journey. Together, with our children, we can work to create a more peaceful, empathetic, and kind world.

Children and the News

It seems like this is as good a time as any to talk about how our children interact with the news. The news simply wasn’t designed with children in mind, and although it is certainly an important part of our lives, we have to remember how it may affect our kids. We hope this guide will give you some helpful tips.

Potential Problems

Before we jump into the problems, we would like to stop and acknowledge how important the news is. As adults, it is part of our civic duty to stay informed of current events. To be active and engaged citizens, we must know what is going on in our local, national, and global communities. The work of journalists is a noble pursuit, and we are grateful to the people who work hard to bring us information.

With all that said, not all news is created equal, and most news is not meant for all ages. The news we see and hear is increasingly sensationalized, and it can be hard to know what sources to trust. The way news is reported can often give us a skewed version of reality.

Would you have guessed, for example, that crime in the United States (including violent crime) has significantly decreased greatly over the past 25 years? Conversely, crime reporting has increased significantly and  become much more detailed. This gives us the sense that we live in a much more dangerous world than we actually do.

Whether we have the television on, the radio in the car, we read the news on our devices, or just chatting about events with our partners over dinner, our children are often there. They may see or hear things that are confusing or even frightening. Sometimes we may not even notice or think much about it, but too much exposure to the news, particularly in younger children, can lead to misunderstanding, fears, and anxiety.

So, what can we do?

Young Children (under 7 or 8)

Very young children really do not need to be exposed to the news for the most part. As a parent, you know your child best, however, and while some sensitive 8-year-olds still fall into this category, some kids a year or two younger may fare better.

When our children are little, we can try to save the news for when they are not in the room. Make sure to set aside some time for yourself (easier said than done, we know!) to read the newspaper or check your phone for headlines. If you watch the news on tv, you could do so after your kids are in bed for the night.

One important note: there may be news information you want to share with your children, including news that is not always pleasant. This may include events that will affect them or people in your family, or issues surrounding social justice that factor into values you share as a family. The best way to share this information is to talk about it together. This way you can personally deliver the information in a developmentally-appropriate manner, while also being there for any discussions that may arise.

School-Aged Children

As children get a bit older, they’re more likely to be present for the news, and they’re also likely to hear about big events from their peers. Consider a three-tiered approach:

• Limit

• Together

• Discuss

Limit the amount of exposure kids have to the news. They don’t need to watch a full hour of coverage, nor do they need to watch particularly violent and/or graphic reporting. It’s a good idea for them to start learning about their world, but start small. 

When they are watching, reading, or listening to the news, try to ensure you are there with them. This is important to make sure they aren’t learning about topics they may not be ready for, as well as making sure their sources are trustworthy. Consider your child’s internet access and what they may come across independently. It may be worthwhile to install some parental controls.

Talk about the news together. Ask them how a particular segment made them feel, whether they have any questions, or if they understood what is happening. They may not want to talk much, but starting these conversations is important and will let them know you’re there for the times they do want to process the news with you.

Adolescents

Teens will be getting quite a bit of information independently of their families, whether that be from their friends at school or their own electronic devices. Our biggest job as adults? Checking in.

One of the greatest joys of parenting a teenager is that they are able to have in-depth conversations about more mature topics. They will likely be interested in at least some elements of the news. They will be forming their own opinions. This means you will have so much to talk about!

As with younger kids, we do want to make sure adolescents are learning what to look for in a trusted news source, and how to recognize sources that may not be valid. We also want to make sure the information they may be hearing from friends is accurate. Oftentimes teens hear sensationalized news from their friends, which can lead to lots of misconceptions. We can help them by checking in and asking whether they’ve heard anything about a particular topic, then filling them in on any facts they may be missing.

For more helpful information and suggestions, visit:

AACAP

APA

Common Sense Media

Separation Anxiety: Why It’s Normal and What You Can Do

Every fall, the doorways of classrooms become a place of transition. Children are often excited to skip into their school environment, eager to learn and play. Unfortunately, many children experience some level of separation anxiety, particularly when they are very young. The good news? This is totally normal! Read on to learn more about why, and what you can do to help your child feel good about the time you spend apart.

What does it look like?

Separation anxiety is completely normal. Most young children experience it at some point, and although it can cause stress for both the child and their parents, it’s actually a healthy part of development, especially during the toddler years. Separation anxiety can manifest in many forms. Parents might see their child display some of all of the following behaviors:

• Crying

• Physically clinging to parent

• Loud protesting

• Persistent worry when separated from parent(s) 

Separation anxiety typically doesn’t last very long for most children and resolves itself within a few weeks. Once toddlers begin to realize that their parents will actually return, their fears tend to alleviate. Even older children can experience short-lived bouts of separation anxiety. These times are often even harder for parents, but it’s all perfectly normal!

Why does it happen?

There are a variety of reasons children may experience separation anxiety, but as we mentioned above, it most often occurs during the toddler years. Any time from about 7 months of age through 2-3 years of age, children may go through a phase during which separating from their parents can be quite upsetting.

For infants, it’s about differentiating between strangers and people they know. This is obviously an important and healthy part of their development, although it can be heart wrenching when dropping your little one off with care givers in the morning before you head to work.

As children get a little older, the reasons shift toward a fear that the parent may leave and not return. After a period of time, the child learns to trust that the separation is temporary, and the anxious behaviors subside.

There are plenty of other reasons why a child may experience separation anxiety. If they are tired, not feeling well, or are experiencing stress or a period of transition in their life, they may feel the need to be closely attached to their parent(s). These feelings are typically short-lived and resolve themselves once the child feels some level of reassurance or once the underlying cause is no longer an issue.

What can we do?

Each child is different, but the following are some strategies that tend to work well for most families:

• Set aside some extra time in the morning. The simple act of not rushing can create a sense of calm for both you and your child, but it also leaves a few extra minutes for some cuddles.

• Create a routine. When your child knows what to expect, they will feel more able to trust that everything is okay. This may mean singing a special song in the car on the way to school, walking to the front door together, and making sure to squeeze in one last hug. Find whatever routine works for you and for your child.

• Be consistent. Once you’ve established a routine, stick to it. This can be a challenge, but it is so important and will do so much to help a child who is feeling anxious. Of course, life has a way of interrupting our plans and routines (especially when you’re trying to get out the door with a young child!) but try to be as consistent as possible.

• Don’t linger, but don’t sneak out. Staying too long can intensify feelings of anxiety when you do leave but leaving without your child’s knowledge isn’t the greatest idea, either. They may experience feelings of worry or sadness, but they will also be more likely to trust if they know when a parent is leaving.

• As your child’s teacher or caregiver for advice. Chances are, they have had lots of experience with separation anxiety in children. Teachers are often masters of distraction and redirection, which can help you make a peaceful exit.

What if it’s more?

Once in a while, separation anxiety is more than a phase. Again, your child’s teacher is a good person to consult if you’re concerned. If your child is well past their toddler years, if their anxiety is affecting them in multiple parts of their lives, or if behaviors are stretching past weeks and into months, it can sometimes help to talk to your child’s pediatrician.

Separation anxiety disorder is a more severe and persistent version of what most children experience. The good news is, even children who experience SAD have options to help them overcome their fears and work toward healthy, trusting, and confident periods of separations from their parents.

Want to learn more? Check out this fantastic article for helpful tips.