Toilet Learning: The Montessori Way

As parents we quickly learn that children have control over three things: eating, sleeping, and toileting. Rather than engage in power struggles, however, we can help children develop the skills they need to manage and gain mastery over these essential aspects of life. 

In Montessori learning communities, young children learn how to prepare snack, fall asleep without assistance, and dress themselves. In addition, they learn how to control their sphincter and stay dry. This process, which we call “toilet learning" or “toilet awareness” takes time, yet it is a vital part of becoming independent.

Because we are helping children with an important aspect of their independence, we try to avoid the terminology of “toilet training.” After all, we aren’t training our children like we might train a dog! Rather we are helping children feel the success of becoming fully independent as they become masters of their own body functions. 

The process takes time but doesn’t have to feel daunting. Here are some key aspects of toileting the Montessori way.

Establish Body Awareness

Toilet awareness starts at birth. From the earliest days of life, we talk to our infants about what is happening as we change their diapers. We might say, “Your diaper is wet from your urine,” or “I am wiping your poop off your bottom.”

To help our infants become aware of being wet or soiled, it’s best to use cloth diapers. Disposable diapers are very effective at wicking away moisture, which leads to children not connecting the act of eliminating pee with the feeling of being wet. As children shift into toddlerhood, they can begin to wear cloth underwear.

Useful phrases:

• “Does your diaper feel wet or dry? Is there poop in your diaper?” 

• “Your underpants feel so heavy! You must have had a lot of pee come out.” 

• “I see you are squatting down and pushing. Your poop is coming!” 

Collaborate 

When a child is wet, we help them to the bathroom and collaborate with changing out of their wet underwear. We allow them to sit on the toilet to see if any urine is left that can be pushed or released into the toilet. Then once they have on dry underwear, they return to their activity.

Children need to feel involved in the toileting and changing process. They can assist in getting the clean underwear or diaper and putting any soiled items in their appropriate place. This gives children the feeling of some power or control in what is happening.

Useful phrases:

• “You can hold your shirt up while I pull down your pants.” 

• “You can open the Velcro on this side of your diaper and I’ll open the Velcro on that side.” 

• “I’ll have a turn to wipe your bottom, and then you can have a turn!”

State the Facts 

We are careful to stay matter of fact through the toileting process. Going to the toilet is a very natural thing to do, so we treat it as such. When children have wet or soiled their underpants or cloth diapers, we show them the dirty pair of underpants or diaper and where it should go. When appropriate we may even deposit feces from their underwear or diaper into the toilet. Children very quickly begin to associate and understand the process. Even when they begin to use the toilet successfully, we avoid clapping and celebrating and instead stick to the facts. 

Useful phrases:

• “Everyone poops!” 

• “Pee and poop go into the toilet.” 

• “It’s time to try sitting on the toilet.”

• “Your underpants are wet. Let’s change into some dry underpants. Do you remember where to find your dry underpants in the bathroom?” 

• “Look, there’s some pee on the floor. Please bring me the clean-up bucket from the bathroom so that we can dry the puddle.” 

Keep it Light and Friendly 

Children are very sensitive to adults’ emotions, even when we try not to show them! Thus we make sure to have a positive, light, and friendly attitude toward the toileting process. Our approach helps children feel comfortable with their normal bodily processes. So we make sure to avoid any facial expression, comment, or tone of voice that conveys disgust or dislike, frustration or impatience. We stay relaxed and positive, so children can feel that way too. 

Useful phrases:

• “We can always change into dry clothes!” 

• “Everyone used to wear diapers—even Mommy and Daddy! Now we can use the toilet. You can, too!” 

No Tricks or Treats 

We offer the toilet, but we never force children to sit on the toilet. We also avoid asking children if they would like to sit on the toilet. There is a happy middle in which we suggest that they sit on the toilet or let them know it is time to sit on the toilet. Ultimately, we trust that children will incorporate this part of daily life into their routine. Young children love the consistency of routines, so we ensure, from the very beginning, that toileting is a regular part of the day.

Bribing, reward charts, and punishments may have short-term results, but do not work for the long-term goal of helping children develop independence, self-assurance, and mastery of this essential part of their humanity. We allow children the time to be successful. Rather than scolding or over-congratulating, we know that children will learn through experience and feel proud of their accomplishments.

Useful phrases:

• “It’s time to sit on the toilet.”

• “You peed in the toilet. You did it all by yourself.”

Respect the Process 

Often when adults change children it is all done so quickly that children aren’t even aware of their bodily functions. Rather than rushing, we take time to explain what is happening and offer opportunities for collaboration. 

It’s showing the utmost respect to children when we help them learn how to do something for themselves. When children able to respond to their body’s needs, they are one step closer to being fully functioning, independent young people.

Focused on Friends (or Frenemies!)

During their elementary years, it can seem like our children are only focused on friends (and frenemies!). We hear about what happened at recess or who they sat with at lunch. They come home with elaborate accounts of being wronged. It’s easy to begin to wonder what they are really learning at school!

In Montessori we always try to understand what is happening developmentally, so we can address children’s needs and offer the best forms of support. When we consider our six- to twelve-year-olds, it’s pretty apparent how they are intensely focused on peers!

Physical Changes

As children approach the age of six, it’s easy to see the physical changes of middle childhood. Their hair becomes coarser. They lose that soft baby skin. Their first teeth begin to fall out. Their bodies become more stretched out. It is as if our children literally become rougher!

In addition, they have incredible physical stamina and can ride bikes, swim, climb trees, and play games from dawn to dusk. This newfound toughness means they are less likely to make a fuss over scrapes, bruises, or falls. Often neatness and cleanliness no longer seem to matter and we may find ourselves offering multiple reminders to comb hair, change clothes, brush teeth, or even take a shower.

A Focus on Friends

In addition to these physical changes, elementary-age children are also shifting how they relate to others. They are developing their moral compass during a time in their lives when their thinking is still pretty black and white. As a result, they are regularly trying to evaluate what is happening with everyone around them. This is when tattling can take center stage. When they come to report someone else actions, it’s often their attempt to figure out if the choices others made were right or wrong. Elementary children are trying to make sense of the rules, including how a group is organized: who leads, who follows, and what sacrifices need to be made.

In addition, elementary-age children begin to want to extend themselves beyond their family structure. This is when we start to see them separate from us as parents. They might walk ahead on the sidewalk or be reluctant to hold hands. What was previously a long goodbye at the start of the day shifts to a quick wave as they head down the sidewalk. They want to stretch beyond the bounds of home, and even past the school walls. They seem to constantly ask for playdates and sleepovers. Sometimes it can be hard to keep up with what is happening in their social world!

All of these shifts are part of normal development. In fact, it’s not just nice for elementary-aged children to be involved with their peers: it is essential for their social-emotional development. This is when children are trying to figure out who they are in relation to their friends.

Montessori Support

In Montessori, instead of working in opposition to this development, we use it to our advantage. Rather than relegate this social time to lunchtime or recess, we give lessons to small groups of children and encourage collaboration. When you come to visit our elementary classrooms, you might see a handful of children working through the steps of long division together as they navigate if 23 goes evenly into 2,425, or two students constructing the unfolding of events on an American History timeline, or a guide supporting four children sorting nouns by whether they are common, proper, abstract, or concrete.

For elementary children, there is incredible value in working with peers. Social learning comes first and foremost and opens the door for intellectual and academic pursuits. A reluctant writer can be inspired by a friend who wants to create a story together. Seeing classmates construct the periodic table can lead to an interest in learning about elements as building blocks of matter. Joining a group researching ancient Egypt can spark a lifelong joy of digging into history.

In Montessori, we also recognize that elementary-aged children need to go out beyond family and school bounds in order to practice taking steps in the broader world. To support this need, we offer opportunities for students to organize excursions based on their interests. A small group might arrange an interview with a local historian, visit a museum to see a style of art they have been studying, or even organize a trip to the store to gather supplies for a project.

At Home Support

Even though it can be hard to embrace some of the changes that emerge in the elementary years, it’s a great time to celebrate this new level of independence. Elementary-age children are more capable than ever before! The key is finding jobs and responsibilities that appeal to their sense of no longer being a little kid.

At home, we can explore opportunities for running an errand, which can start as simply as sending our kids to a different aisle in the grocery store to fetch an item from the list, or delivering a note to neighbors down the street. Eventually, they might want to take on additional jobs or responsibilities, like weeding the garden, mowing the grass, or stacking wood. Their physical stamina can be a gift as they take on bigger work at home.

When your child comes home complaining about the latest social event at school, take a deep breath and remember it’s developmental! Acknowledge their feelings and resist the temptation to want to solve the social drama of the day. Being a thoughtful and reflective listener allows our children to process and reflect on what they are experiencing in their little practice society.

If something sounds particularly concerning, it’s helpful to ask if they would like some help in solving whatever is coming up for them. Sometimes our kids just want to vent or air grievances, not unlike the times we may come home from work and just want to complain a bit. Yet it is also helpful to let our children know we can support proactive and respectful communication and problem-solving.

Although it may seem like our elementary children are only focused on friends, it’s a natural and healthy part of their development. In many ways, they are experimenting with and practicing what it means to live in a society. Our patient understanding and support will serve them well and provide hope for the future. 

5 Traits Nurtured In the Montessori Environment

When we choose a course of education for our children, we ask ourselves a lot of questions. At some point, we begin to wonder how various models align with our own personal values. What’s really important? What should the goals of education be? What do we want our children to gain from the experience?

It all depends on why and how the methods were developed. What were the initial goals when a particular approach was conceived? What do current practitioners value? These are important questions to consider.

In a list like this, you might be expecting one of the items we feature to be independence. While it’s true that we work hard to build a sense of independence in the children we guide, we talk about it so much we figured it might be nice to focus on some of the other traits that are nurtured in a Montessori environment.

When it comes down to it, Montessori educators care deeply about the academics we teach, because we are curious people who are fascinated with the world around us. But we’re passionate about other things, too. We want the children in our care to go out into the world feeling good about themselves, caring about others, and excited about what they do. That’s what drives our work. That’s what makes us feel so strongly about what we do.

Without further ado, here are five traits Montessori education nurtures in children:

1. Kindness

Interpersonal skills are some of the most important skills we can teach our students. They can learn all the math and language arts skills out there, but if they can’t interact with other people their lives won’t feel overly fulfilling. More than that, we think humans can accomplish so much more together than individually, so we may as well learn to get along with one another.

The very structure of the Montessori day allows for time dedicated to planned and spontaneous lessons about kindness. We read stories that teach children how to handle hard situations. We use role-playing games to make the work fun. And when a conflict happens in the classroom or the playground? We teach children skills in the moment. How do we handle our own emotions? How do we communicate with someone we disagree with? What does it look like to disagree but still respect one another?

Sometimes the work consists of giving children the script to work through solving issues. Sometimes we enlist the help of the whole group, discussing problems and asking for solutions without targeting individuals.

2. Powerful Work Ethic

The Montessori approach focuses on intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation can be effective in small doses and with short-term goals, like when you don’t want to do the dishes and reward yourself with an iced coffee afterward. Those types of rewards, however, are not particularly effective at cultivating a deep motivation to learn or help others.

Some people find it shocking that Montessori schools don’t give grades, have tests, or hold award ceremonies. The real world doesn’t function like that, so why should we teach children one type of motivation and then expect them to switch to something else as adults? Are employees evaluated at work? Absolutely. The thing is, they’re not receiving grades; they receive narrative feedback that highlights their areas of strengths and what they might improve on. We do the same with our students.

You’ve likely heard the argument that instead of saying “good job” to our children, we should replace that with observations such as “I notice you worked really hard on that. How does it feel to complete it?” Putting the emphasis on a person’s efforts, rather than our judgment of their accomplishments, helps nurture a developing sense of internal motivation.

Rather than focusing on accolades, our students grow with a desire to solve problems, gain insights, and pursue their passions.

3. Creativity

Put simply, Montessori encourages creativity in two main ways: we incorporate the arts whenever possible, and we give children a chance to find their own solutions to problems.

Montessori guides integrate art education in countless ways. Here are just a small sampling of what may happen in classroom during the course of the year:

• Drawing, labeling, and painting maps

• Listening to music or learning the traditional dance of a culture being studied

• Using collage to review and label the external parts of a fish

• Reading biographies about influential artists

• Teaching sewing or weaving as practical life

As mentioned, the other side of creativity involves the way we encourage our students to think. We do not simply feed them all the answers. We give lessons, sure, and provide students with factual information. But when they run up against a problem we don’t race to give them the solution. Whether it be social, academic, or something else altogether, we ask guiding questions that lead the child to generate their own possible solutions.

This, we believe, is one of the keys to developing innovative mindsets.

4. Joyful Learning

When it comes to creating joyful learners, intrinsic motivation and creativity are a pretty good start. Combine that with copious amounts of freedom and gorgeous autodidactic materials, and you have an environment that kids simply cannot resist.

We think learning is fun, or at least it should be. Otherwise, what’s the point? We really are invested in helping our students become adults who love to learn and pursue learning independently for the rest of their lives. Even the most basic of skills can be delivered in ways that are exciting. Take the Montessori positive snake game for example: it’s a game, and it involves making snakes out of colorful groupings of beads, then eventually transforming the snake until it’s entirely gold. But what’s it really about? Learning how to exchange smaller numbers to make ten in preparation for multiplication work.

5. Service-Mindedness

We believe it’s of critical importance to give our children a sense of the world as a whole and to really see the ways in which everything is connected and interdependent.

This belief is embedded into our curriculum, and most easily seen in our history lessons. In lower elementary, children learn first about the beginnings of our universe, followed by the formation of Earth, then the evolution of life on our planet. Later on, they explore early humans and early civilizations. It isn’t until adolescence that they begin to learn about more recent periods in history.

This is intentional. We believe learning about those who have come before us instills a sense of gratitude and dedication to others.

We also make a point of launching student-driven service projects. These tend to start small, and may focus on the school community. As students get older, their capabilities and visions expand outward into the greater local community. These projects look different every year, because they’re student-led.

These five traits are really just a glimpse of some of Montessori’s most revered values. There are plenty more. Want to see for yourself? Call us to schedule a tour.

Losing our Grip

Last week we posted the following article (Losing our Grip http://bit.ly/2ghoMsv) on our facebook page. The article discussed the increasing number of children in kindergarten without the fine motor skills needed to manipulate scissors, hold pencils, etc. The New York Times reported in February that public schools in New York City saw a 30 percent increase in the number of students referred to occupational therapy, with the number jumping 20 percent in three years in Chicago and 30 percent over five years in Los Angeles.

Why is this?  The article points to three causes:

1. Our culture has increased pressure on parents to involve young children in organized activities. More organized activities does not equal more body awareness. There is less time for free play and opportunities for children to manipulate their environments to understand spatial concepts. As we Montessorians know, young children learn by doing, not by being told what to do.
2. Parental Fear. Some parents are afraid to let their children engage in physical play or use tools such as scissors. Today’s children spend less time outside, where they have more opportunities to explore how their bodies move through space, learn balance and figure out how to handle tools and toys in relation to one another. Playgrounds have changed tremendously over the years. The equipment that supported sensory integration, such as merry go rounds and monkey bars, are no longer present. 
3. Technology. The “educational” tablet has replaced the activities which support fine motor skills such as playdoh and coloring. 

Montessori Children’s House classrooms offer ample opportunities for fine and gross motor development. With the absence of technology in our programs, the children are free to work towards developing their hands and bodies and in turn their minds for the academic work to come. Many people are surprised to learn that fine motor skills are a robust predictor of academic achievement. Read more about that here.

-Kari

Recess

A line of students filed out of the big metal door. You could hardly see our faces under our brightly colored raincoats. Boots squeaked and thudded. Rain pants rustled. Inside the door, the line was straight and organized, but as soon as we stepped outside, we were wild — children of the Earth.

Recess had begun.

A newly formed river of mud and rain in the woods. A slippery fallen tree acts as a bridge, or a castle, or a throne. Leaf crowns. Tiny rocks, twigs, and the sand pile make a tiny fortress. A moat is carved out of the dark brown mulch much to the chagrin of our teachers, and the rain quickly fills it in. Wet bark peeled off a dead tree, rocks, leaves, twigs, acorns, pine cones, a feather from home, and we built a fairy house. Capture the flag goes on in all weather. The wetness is an added challenge, an extra bit of fun. We liked to show off our grit.

We slipped and slid across the soaked playground. Our heels rubbed raw in our boots, but we didn’t care. Fingernails quickly filled with dirt and sand and wet bits of bark, but we didn’t care. Mud splashed in our faces and we wiped it away with muddier hands, but we didn’t care. Our fingers and noses were numb with the wet chill, but we didn’t care. Despite the “waterproof” rain gear we were wearing, we were soaked through, but we didn’t care.

We did care though, when the teachers began to call us inside. When the little bark castles had to be left for tomorrow — who knew if they would keep from collapsing without us watching over them? When the imaginary kingdom by the new river in the woods had to be abandoned for another day. When the capture the flag game had to end before anyone had scored. When the leaf crowns had to be taken off. Then we cared.

Up until two years ago, I attended a Montessori school. This meant I spent a lot of time outside. In elementary, we had recess every day, whether it was snowing or raining or sleeting. We had lessons out in the woods and took trips to the beaches and mountains. Unless the temperature was way below freezing or it was thundering and lightning, we were out in it.

Curiosity, love, and concern for the natural world has been a part of who I am from a very young age. Now that I am older, I read the biology textbooks, watch the powerpoints on ecology, take my dog for a walk after school every day, and I understand a little more of what is happening out there in the world. I get it. And I love getting it. Learning about life and nature gives me a sense of fulfillment that no other subject in school does. I compost and recycle at home. I am President of the Green Group at my high school, and I am happy to say that the school now recycles! When I’m out with my dog I'll pick up trash from the side of the road. I hike mountains with my dad, even in the snow. I love being outside.

Recess, but also every lesson and trip we took in the outdoors while I was in Montessori, was a very meaningful experience for me. It made me the person I am today. It instilled in me a curiosity and a passion that otherwise might not exist and for which I am very grateful. I’m seventeen years old now, but I will never stop playing outside. I will never stop loving the earth and I will never stop fighting for it. I will never stop asking questions and never stop wondering how the earth works. I will never stop — because of recess. Because of log kingdoms, leaf crowns, little sand fortresses, and muddy games of capture the flag.

-Alexandra Campbell, HMS '14