Making Amends

Mistakes are a part of life. We all make them. Hopefully, we even learn from them!

Intellectually we probably understand that mistakes are part of our children’s process of learning and growing. Yet as parents and caregivers, it can be hard to know how to handle situations when our children don’t do the right thing.

Think about those times when your child is rude, breaks something, or hits a playmate. In those moments, we all too often want our children to immediately apologize. However, apologies can quickly become an easy and surface-level response. Plus, our children might not (yet) feel sorry for what they did.

 Although apologies can be a good first step, they are just that…a first step. Really it is the process of making amends that is the most meaningful. 

Making Amends

How do we support children who have made a mistake and aren't sure about how to make amends? Genuine apologies certainly aren't easy, but it's a lot easier to apologize for a mistake than it is to fix it. Diane Gossen's book, Restitution: Restructuring School Discipline, provides a framework for helping young people learn from their mistakes and hopefully make the right choices in the future. 

The definition of restitution revolves around the restoration of something damaged, lost, or stolen, which basically means restoring what was affected to its original state. When we make mistakes, it can feel like squeezing too much toothpaste out of the tube. Getting the excess back in can feel impossible. Yet the process of cleaning up and restoring what we can is how we make things right again. 

Recipe for Restitution

Gossen's recipe for restitution is designed to help the mistake-maker experience a healing process, which can be considered self-restoration. According to Gossen, the process of making things right again should include the following components:

• The person(s) affected by the mistake will feel that the restitution is acceptable and appropriate.

• The restitution will require effort.

• By making amends, the mistake-maker will be discouraged (or at least not encouraged to repeat the mistake. 

For the process to be really exceptional, three other characteristics may be involved:

• The restitution will be logically connected to the mistake.

• The process will connect to a deeper understanding of the big picture of how people treat each other.

• The experience will actually strengthen the mistake-maker.

In supporting the process of making amends, we must be very careful to refrain from criticizing, inducing guilt, or expressing anger. Also, we must not feel like we are overextending ourselves. The person trying to fix the mistake must own the process.

Opportunities

If we are attentive to opportunities for our children to make things right, we can approach mistakes differently. For example, if your child has been rude to someone, take some time after the fact to hear what your child was feeling at that moment. Perhaps they were upset about something that happened prior. Or maybe they were just hungry. The key is to let your child know that you are genuinely curious about what they were feeling. In the process, you can acknowledge and affirm those feelings. Likely your child already feels remorse for how they behaved. The next step is to brainstorm ways to make amends for those actions. Often children want to start with an apology, so it’s worth exploring if they want to apologize with words or with actions. From the apology, you can start to dig into how to make things right. For example, think together about how the relationship can be repaired so that the other person feels secure and safe, rather than uncertain or hurt.   

Perhaps your child, in a fit of frustration, ends up dropping a plate on the floor. When it shatters, the trick is to not react. Rather, let your child feel the intensity of the moment. Take some deep breaths. Offer to help and yet be clear that all the broken pieces need to be cleaned up so they don’t cut anyone’s feet. The process may be long and effortful. Yet your child’s care of the broken plate is part of the experience of making amends. Later, you can acknowledge how hard your child worked to fix the mistake. 

A similar process applies if your child hits a playmate. Staying non-reactive is especially important in these moments, as we are modeling how to stay in control when emotions get heightened. Check-in with the hurt child to make sure they are okay. Then wonder about and acknowledge your child’s feelings. “You seemed really frustrated and then you hit. It can be hard when we have big feelings. It’s also not okay to hit.” There is no shaming or forced apology. Just a clear translation of what happened. When your child feels calm and grounded, you can offer some ways to make amends. “I wonder how we can show your friend some kindness.” 

Younger children need our support in working through these steps. They often will need some modeling or suggestions for restoring the relationship or repairing the damage. As our children mature and internalize the restitution process, they will need less guidance and perhaps only a bit of gentle support.

If you are curious about how all of this works amongst a community of children, please schedule a tour of our school. We would love to share how we help children embrace mistakes as part of their learning!

Symbiosis: The Newborn’s First Months

Those first moments after giving birth are some of the most precious. Newborn and mother come together for the first time as separate beings. This relationship is so intimate and incredibly unique because of the symbiotic link between the birth mother and her newborn child. 

The word symbiosis comes from the Ancient Greek “σύν” which means "together" and “βίωσις” which means “living.” As a biological term, symbiosis means the union of two different organisms based on mutual benefit. The mother and the newborn both need each other. Their lives are intertwined. 

Mutual Benefits

We generally recognize how a newborn is dependent upon their mother. Because of the increased size of their brains, human infants are born before their gestation is complete. Often called the “fourth trimester,” the first three months is a time when babies are still developing dramatically outside of the womb. 

A mother’s dependence upon a newborn is perhaps not as obvious. Yet after birth, a mother needs contact with the newborn for her own body to complete the birth process. Immediate breastfeeding stimulates the secretion of oxytocin which helps the mother’s uterus contract, thereby helping the placenta detach and eventually helping the uterus return to normal size. Breastfeeding also reduces the risk of maternal hemorrhage. In addition to the release of oxytocin, breastfeeding induces the pituitary gland to release prolactin. This hormone is not only responsible for lactation but also contributes to hundreds of other bodily processes.

The mother also needs contact with her baby for bonding and her own emotional stability. A process of attachment develops from this contact. The process of birth has been trying for the mother and infant and both need reassurance. Through the closeness of cradling and caressing, the mother and newborn experience mutual benefits.

In addition, the newborn relies on their mother for points of reference to help them adapt to an otherwise unfamiliar environment. When held close, the newborn can hear the mother’s heartbeat and can hear the mother’s voice. Maternal warmth and closeness allow the newborn to feel secure. 

Needs of the Newborn

This is a critical time for the mother to establish a bond with her child. And in doing so, she establishes the future relationship between her child and the environment. When a baby can relate to familiar points of reference, they feel secure and their energy can go into their growth and development. 

The newborn has five basic and immediate needs: 

1. direct contact with the mother, 

2. adherence to biological rhythms, 

3. temporal, physical, and social order, 

4. space for unhindered vision and movement, and 

5. opportunities to explore with all the senses.  

The newborn is reliant on the mother (and any other family members) to meet these needs so as to develop into a healthy human being.  

During the first six to eight weeks of life–the symbiotic period–there are three aspects of the mother-child relationship that provide opportunities to meet these basic needs: holding, handling, and feeding.  

Holding

Holding, with skin-to-skin physical contact between the mother and newborn, is ideal immediately after birth. Being held during the weeks after birth continues to be important for the child’s feeling of acceptance and assurance. 

The infant should feel physically secure when held. Ultimately, though, emotional communication when being held is most important for the infant. They need to feel love and acceptance transmitted through touch, which thus provides a sense of trust. 

Handling

In addition, the infant needs their mother and caregivers to handle them lovingly while dressing, changing, bathing, and otherwise caring for them. During these times of “handling” when a caregiver uses their hands to care for an infant, it is important for the caregiver to make a meaningful connection. By collaborating and communicating with the infant, caregivers establish yet another form of trust and ultimately social security. 

In providing these caregiving routines, it is critical to establish a predictable pattern while also respecting the infant’s biological rhythms. The newborn is trying to adjust to day and night while also establishing a sleeping schedule that meets their needs. Having an order to the daily activities is essential for providing a frame of reference. For example, it is best to have one parent give the baby a bath at the same time each day, such as before bedtime. This process of establishing meeting points provides a sense of predictability and thus security for the child. These daily activities should also include time for the child to move on their own and experience appropriate sensory richness in the environment.

Feeding

Through feeding, the mother and infant develop a powerful sense of togetherness and direct union, thus establishing physical and psychological unity. With this in mind, how breastfeeding happens is significant. Even though a baby needs support in coming to the breast, they should be allowed the freedom to choose when to suckle. This establishes a fundamental basis for their relationship with food. Food can always be offered with love and placed before someone, yet not inside, a person. This establishes healthy boundaries.

Eventually, the mother and infant will be in communication about feeding so that the mother will recognize the child’s signs of hunger and the child will feel secure in their ability to have their needs met. This relationship around feeding forms the basis for the child’s understanding not only of how food is nourishment but also how to relate to others. It also helps when the mother can give her total attention to her nursing infant. 

Key Experiences

Through these key experiences of holding, handling, and feeding, the infant forms a fundamental understanding of their environment. With positive experiences during the symbiotic period, the child develops a trust that their needs will be met. They experience how their environment is a place in which they feel safe. This eventually leads to being able to confront new situations with assurance. 

The symbiotic period is an important foundational time for the mother and child. The collaborative experience provides mother and child with the physical, psychological, and emotional basis for the next stages. After the six to eight weeks of the symbiotic period, the newborn should have a basic understanding that the external world will be responsive to their needs. The mother will feel secure in this new relationship with her child. Mutual needs and close connections lay the foundation for all the wonderful development to come!

Curious to learn more? Be sure to check out Understanding the Human Being: The Importance of the First Three Years of Life by Silvana Quatrocchi Montanaro. Another informative resource is Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin by Ashley Montagu.

The First Six Years: Conquests of Independence

As caregivers and parents, we have a bit of a bittersweet role. While we want to keep our children close, we ultimately need to support their path toward independence. 

We expect dependence at the beginning. Yet our newborns take their very first step toward independence at birth. Once born, they have to breathe on their own. And rather than get nutrition through the umbilical cord, they use effort to begin latching on or suckling. 

Throughout their first six years of life, our children achieve so many milestones of independence. Let’s take a look at some of these conquests of independence. You can use this framework as a guide and reminder of how we can support our children as they grow and develop. 

Birth to One Year

• The first conquest of independence is birth which comes with the cutting of the umbilical cord. At this point, infants must breathe and gain nutrition on their own. Even our expression “It’s time to cut the cord” indicates the shift to increased independence.

• Movement is another acquisition of independence in the first year as children begin to use their arms and legs, sit up and crawl, and move from one place to another. With this increased locomotion children no longer need to be held or carried.

• Our children also begin to feed themselves. Even in the beginning when babies are nursing, we want them to indicate hunger. The weaning process and shift to using the weaning table supports this path to independence. As our children begin to eat and drink on their own, it is important to have foods and tools they can use independently (e.g. a shot glass for water, finger foods, etc.) rather than having an adult putting a utensil or bottle in their mouth. 

• Children can also start to practice basic use of utensils. Having utensils that are child-sized and functional is key to independent use. 

• In addition, our children need the opportunity to develop the ability to be by themselves. To become independent, they need to practice separating from their caregiver(s). Healthy separation depends upon healthy attachment, and our children need the chance to have some time without adult engagement.

• Around the end of the first year, children begin to develop language to communicate their needs. Prior to this time, they are able to use other methods to communicate: crying, cooing, smiling, etc. This communication is the beginning of social skills and children’s ability to relate socially to others.

One to Three Years

• During this time children can walk confidently and begin to run and climb. Once children can walk, they can begin the process of becoming independent in toileting. 

• They become more independent with the use of their hands, which become tools for exploration. Because of this, children no longer need to rely on others to hold and carry items.

• Language use allows children to begin to express themselves independently.

• Children can start to become independent in dressing themselves. 

• They begin to be able to use simple tools (crayons, sticks, cups, utensils, etc.).

• They become more capable of caring for their own personal hygiene (brushing their teeth, washing their face, brushing their hair, etc.).

• Children become more proficient with and capable of carrying their own items. 

• They have the capacity to clean up after themselves (putting away belongings, folding clothing, wiping spills, sweeping crumbs, etc.).

 As children get older, they need opportunities to develop their will. Thus, during this stage of independence, it is really important that children can make choices. Making a choice means they are acting for themselves and exercising their will.

From Three to Four and a Half

• If it hasn't happened already, children experience separation from the family (e.g. going to school). To be able to separate from one’s family is a new skill of independence. For children who haven’t been able to be by themselves, this is a harder process. During this time, children realize they can survive and trust others, which is a significant step in independence.

• Children develop a wider range of social skills.

• Children’s motor and visual skills become more developed and refined.

• They are able to engage in more games (e.g. catching and throwing a ball).

• They have finer manual dexterity (using individual fingers) as well as refined fine motor skills (when all fingers are working in unison).

• Children begin to develop the ability to use language to express their emotions. They can learn a multitude of words to be able to express feelings. 

• They can use utensils and tools to prepare their own food (which ideally happens prior to age three). Research shows that children involved in preparing their own food are more likely to try diverse foods.

• Children learn to master fasteners (zippers, buckles, bows, etc.) and thus the self-care involved with dressing and undressing.

• They can contribute to their community and care not only for themselves but also for the environment through simple responsibilities like setting the table, folding towels, etc.

• They are more independent in caring for their own hygiene needs.

• Because their vocabulary is expanding, children can use words to express emotions, as well as to better express their thoughts.

Four and a Half to Six

• Children have more social independence and can not only do for themselves but can also use acquired skills to help others.

• They become more independent in their social skills so they can internalize and apply the social norms of their community (e.g. pushing in chairs, greeting visitors, communicating that they need space, etc.).

• Children become proficient in dressing themselves and can help younger peers with the dressing and undressing process (e.g. getting dressed for going outdoors).

• They acquire the capacity to have empathy and compassion.

• They have a basic understanding of quantities and how they are represented, instead of just mimicking or rote counting.

• Children begin to recognize and use the symbols of our language (e.g. expressing themselves through writing or interpreting the thoughts of others through reading).

These conquests of independence are ultimately about becoming functionally independent. Young children are in a process of mastering different aspects of their lives and they need us, their caregivers, to support them in this process. 

Our children are so capable and they benefit when allowed to move toward increasing independence. If you’d like to see how our Montessori environments set children up for success, please schedule a tour!

The Significance of Food

Throughout history, human survival has depended upon finding, preparing, and consuming different kinds of food. It is certainly understandable why food is a central part of our lives!

In Montessori, we recognize that food plays a bigger role in our young humans’ development. While nutrition is key, food also represents so much more! Therefore, we offer children the opportunity to use food as a way to develop a richer understanding of the world, master abilities to function independently, and develop a rich language for communication.

Understanding the World

As children develop their relationship with food, it’s important that they get to experience food in its natural state rather than only prepackaged. During the sensitive period for refining their senses, young children need to be able to explore their food sensorially so they can experience the taste, texture, smell, appearance (uncooked and cooked), and even any sound food might make.

In Montessori environments, we offer children opportunities to see and taste fresh foods, and even experience creating homemade breads and soups. Rather than opening a can or package, we start with natural raw ingredients and let the children put all the pieces together so they can see the steps involved in making different foods.

Whenever possible, we also try to give children meaningful connections to nature and its bounty, including when foods are in season. It’s a bonus when we can have fruits, vegetables, and herbs growing in planters or in the outdoor environment! Our goal is for children to develop a connection to food and its growth cycle throughout the year. In the process, children can learn about the parts of plants we eat: leaves, stems, roots, seeds, and flowers.

As children get older, they become more involved with the production and exchange aspects of food, from purchasing ingredients to preparing whole meals for others.

Mastering Abilities & Movement

When children are preparing food, we start with basic skills such as cutting, dicing, peeling, grating, and juicing. As children gain more dexterity and skill, like holding and using a knife, we move toward teaching more complex skills, such as how to prepare the ingredients when following a recipe, or how to operate kitchen appliances such as toasters, openers, coffee makers, juicers, mixers, etc.

Whether using simple or complex equipment, children need items that they can learn to manage on their own. As such, we provide kitchen items that are sized appropriately. So children can master their movements and abilities, the kitchen tools must work for children and not cause unnecessary obstacles. Through plenty of repetition with food preparation and the varied kinds of tools involved, children begin to coordinate their movements and refine their skills.

Developing Language

While children are working with food preparation activities, adults take care to use precise terminology to name the ingredients, materials, and actions involved. When we do this, we help increase and expand children’s language and more permanently fix the concepts in their memory.

Table setting also offers a wonderful opportunity for language development. For the youngest children, we can say, “We need four plates.” Then together the adults and children can count to four. While our youngest children may not have an idea of the concept, they will set the plates one to one and lay the foundation for future math work. Table setting can also be an indirect lesson about prepositions. In a very natural way, we can ask children to put the spoon next to the plate, or to the right of the plate, or a napkin on top of the plate. The word “preposition” is never spoken but the experience gives children exposure to the concept of the function of a preposition in a sentence. 

As children get older, we can introduce more complex language and also offer opportunities for them to interpret recipes, write their own instructional steps, and even tap into the expressive creativity involved with food preparation and presentation. 

Cultural Importance

Where we live in the world dictates how and what we eat. Different cultures have disparate expectations about cooking or consuming. Yet in all cultural groups, people have explored and experimented with food. This makes sense, of course. People have needed to know what they can eat, if food needs to be cooked to be edible, how foods can be combined, and how our bodies might react to particular foods or food combinations. 

Food also plays a key role in rituals and customs, from people coming together socially to religious ceremonies to relying on food for medical purposes. All cultures have some kind of beliefs about both the significance of food and different foods’ ability to make our bodies feel better or worse.

With all of the cultural richness woven into food, bringing in family traditions, customs, favorite recipes, and rituals around food can enhance the classroom community’s experience and provide a culturally responsive school-family partnership.

Food preparation is an essential part of our learning communities and a significant part of our children’s development. Please schedule a time to visit the school, see this work for yourself, and perhaps even share a bit about your own culinary traditions!

Pandemic Impacts and Optimal Child Development

We’ve enjoyed some return to normalcy after the intensity of the early COVID years. However, it’s important to remember that our young children are still living with some of the impacts of the changes we all experienced. One of the reasons the COVID years have affected our children is because so much critical development happens in the first few years of life. 

While home is an incredibly nurturing place, many of our children were limited to only being at home which led to fewer opportunities for socializing and learning different kinds of relationship skills. To further complicate the scene, many of us were also trying to juggle our own changes in work and life.

With all this in mind, we’ve been focusing on identifying some impacts of COVID and sharing strategies to support optimal development in our young children. 

Socializing with Peers

During the early COVID years, children didn’t have as much time to be around others, especially other children. Even when we could be with other people, we all needed to maintain a physical distance.

Yet children learn how to navigate social situations through play. Think of the rough and tumble romping of wolf puppies. It is through those interactions that the pups strengthen social bonds and learn how to navigate social status in the pack. Similarly, during interactive play, children learn to negotiate, share, wait for a turn, follow the rules of a game, and consider others’ feelings.

Our children now have an intense hunger for socialization while their socialization skills are still developing.

To support their social development, we can:

• provide plenty of opportunities for unstructured imaginative play with peers

• observe to see if children are hanging back or avoiding interactions

• offer gentle help for joining into play or suggest phrases children can use to ask to participate 

• recommend tasks they can do to help the group

• identify real-time emotions 

• model positive communication

Before intervening, though, it’s also important to give time and space for children to negotiate and problem-solve. Children learn best through opportunities to make some mistakes and, just like with the wolf pups, the learning might look a little messy at first!

Connecting to the Real World 

Many of our children have had a lot more screen time over the past few years. According to Carlota Nelson, director of the documentary Brain Matters, too much screen time can impact children’s concentration and focus, reduce their ability to control impulses, and affect their capacity for empathy.

Young children need lots of opportunities for concrete, tangible, hands-on play. They need to use their bodies and hands to manipulate the world around them. Plus, multi-sensory experiences help children develop strong neural pathways.

To help this real-world connection, we can:

• provide more time in nature and green spaces

• incorporate more movement, exercise, and free play into the day

• play board or card games with our children (or just play with them!)

• make sure to practice and model face-to-face interactions and eye contact 

• engage in healthy human touch

• reduce passive screen time  

As an added bonus, these pursuits also provide children with more opportunities to experience a language-rich environment. As we know, the amount and quality of language children experience have a direct correlation with the rate of their language development. Thus, they need plenty of experiences to develop their language skills through listening to and interacting with a variety of people around them.

Developing Independence

Being home more with our children led to lovely family time, however it also may have increased our children’s reliance upon our presence while decreasing their tolerance for uncomfortable situations. Yet as children grow, they need opportunities to develop independence. These experiences are immensely important for children to build a sense of self while also increasing their self-esteem, frustration tolerance, and perseverance. 

Rather than shield our children from challenging situations, we can make sure they have practice with experiences that can be a little anxiety-provoking. Anxiety is a normal human feeling and helps our bodies prepare us for something that might be hard. So our children can gain practice in how to regulate themselves, they need opportunities to be a bit out of their comfort zone. 

To develop our children’s confidence, we can:

• expose our children to experiences that can produce a little healthy anxiety

• create opportunities for children to talk and share their thoughts

• engage in warm, responsive conversation (with lots of listening!)

• experience and discuss stories or situations together    

• teach practical life skills for self-sufficiency 

• include our children in household chores

As children become more confident, they are better able to handle transitions, experience less anxiety, and become more flexible. If you need any more convincing, Psychology Today references a study showing that children who started contributing to family chores at age three or four were more likely to have successful relationships, engage in rewarding careers, and be more self-sufficient in their lives.

As we shift into more regular routines after the intensity of the pandemic, let’s use this time to bring out the best in our children.

“We then become witnesses to the development of the human soul; the emergence of the New [Human], who will no longer be the victim of events but, thanks to his clarity of vision, will become able to direct and to mold the future of [human]kind.”

– Dr. Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind

We welcome you to visit the school to see firsthand how we support our future leaders, the young children, as they develop their independence, strengthen their social bonds, and make lasting connections with the wonder of the world. 

What is Social Organization?

As humans, we develop as social beings in our communities, society, and culture. In fact, associating with others is a fundamental human tendency. Therefore, in Montessori education we prioritize social development, even (or especially) as children grow into adolescents.

At the adolescent level, young people are experiencing a bridge from childhood into adulthood. They no longer need and want to create little practice societies as they did in their elementary years. Instead, adolescents need and want to understand and experience adult-level roles and responsibilities. Adolescents therefore require new opportunities for independence and valorization, as well as opportunities to contribute in purposeful ways to their community. In Montessori, we call this social organization. 

In order to support this experience, Dr. Montessori envisioned an ideal setting where adolescents could live within as many aspects of society as possible. In her book, From Childhood to Adolescence, Dr. Montessori even outlines a road map for social organization at the adolescent level. In describing the practical aspects of social organization, Dr. Montessori suggests that adolescents live away from their families in a residential setting, preferably a farm that includes components such as a shop or store, a “museum of machinery," and a way to host others.

Residential Experience 

Developmentally, adolescents need to break away from their families. Having some sort of residential setting or away-from-home option allows adolescents to figure themselves out in new ways amongst different adults. In addition, a residential opportunity allows adolescents to live in a community and recognize the impact they have within and on their community. Even if a full residence isn’t possible, adolescents can prepare meals for each other, make sure the kitchen and tools are ready for the next meal, ensure the compost is taken out, clean the dining area, and so forth, all of which allow adolescents to experience how their work matters. 

This kind of experience is similar to how students in a Montessori primary or elementary environment become aware of how what they do in the classroom impacts others: if they run, are loud, or step onto someone’s work rug, that has an impact. Yet at the adolescent level, the experience of social organization needs to be in the context of real living. Adolescents need to step into adult-level roles. They need to coordinate lunch for their community or be the barn manager in charge of animal care. This also means they need to handle what happens if part of the work is left undone. 

Land-Based Opportunities

Another ideal aspect of adolescents’ social organization is being on a farm or working on the land, which offers adolescents the opportunity to experientially understand our agricultural roots as humans. To survive, humans have needed to grow, raise, and harvest our food. When working on the land, adolescents get the experience of what it means to care for other living things and how those living things provide human sustenance. There are big moral questions that come up in this process: what do to when an animal is sick, how to honor an animal that will be butchered for meat, or how to handle pests that are decimating crops. Farm life allows adolescents to grapple with challenging questions that are part of living in a society. 

Production & Exchange

Similarly, when operating a shop or store, adolescents get to experience the process of production and exchange as it works in society. They can labor to make sure a hive of bees is healthy and producing honey, and then determine how to package and market that honey to sell. Or they can create cutting boards in a wood shop and puzzle over how much to sell them for based on the cost of materials, the time for labor, and the value of their artistic work. They can harvest cucumbers and pickle them. They can create artwork for auction. They can harvest lettuce and wash it to prepare a salad for the community. Opportunities abound. 

This experience also offers adolescents the chance to understand interconnections and interdependencies. Many people have done a great deal of work so that we can enjoy each thing we eat, purchase, or enjoy! Through the process of production and exchange, adolescents can also begin to understand the role of monetary systems and how to budget, plan, save, invest, share, and be responsible with their earnings.

Hosting & Using Tools

Other ideal options for adolescents include a hostel or host experience and a “museum of machines.” In hosting, adolescents get to experience how to give back to others. For example, in making a meal for guests or providing a place for parents to stay for the night, adolescents must put others’ needs first, while also taking on new roles and responsibilities. 

Finally, Dr. Montessori’s “museum of machines” isn’t about having machines on display behind glass but rather means having many tools and machines available for adolescents to use, take apart, and repair. This collection of machines allows adolescents to learn and practice with tools that will help them on the land or farm, with their residential setting, in their shop, or with their hosting experience. Use of different tools of society helps adolescents learn skills and abilities that will serve them as capable adults.

Preparation for Adult Life

Preparation for adult life is a significant part of the adolescent experience. This isn’t preparation for a job, though! Rather preparation for adult life means that adolescents begin to understand the context for the human experience amongst other living things on earth, within the big picture of human progress, how we have used technology for the building up of civilization, and how each of us is a part and player in human history.

It is important to remember that adolescents are on their path to maturity. Social organization offers them the opportunity to step firmly onto the bridge from childhood to adulthood by living and experiencing aspects of what it means to be in society and the moral questions that arise as a result of being a human living amongst others in the web of life. In addition, social organization provides adolescents the chance to develop their own independence in the context of how we are all connected to each other. 

In our families, communities, or schools, let’s keep these ideal principles in mind as we support our adolescents. We also welcome you to visit our school to see how we prioritize social development!

Toilet Learning: The Montessori Way

As parents we quickly learn that children have control over three things: eating, sleeping, and toileting. Rather than engage in power struggles, however, we can help children develop the skills they need to manage and gain mastery over these essential aspects of life. 

In Montessori learning communities, young children learn how to prepare snack, fall asleep without assistance, and dress themselves. In addition, they learn how to control their sphincter and stay dry. This process, which we call “toilet learning" or “toilet awareness” takes time, yet it is a vital part of becoming independent.

Because we are helping children with an important aspect of their independence, we try to avoid the terminology of “toilet training.” After all, we aren’t training our children like we might train a dog! Rather we are helping children feel the success of becoming fully independent as they become masters of their own body functions. 

The process takes time but doesn’t have to feel daunting. Here are some key aspects of toileting the Montessori way.

Establish Body Awareness

Toilet awareness starts at birth. From the earliest days of life, we talk to our infants about what is happening as we change their diapers. We might say, “Your diaper is wet from your urine,” or “I am wiping your poop off your bottom.”

To help our infants become aware of being wet or soiled, it’s best to use cloth diapers. Disposable diapers are very effective at wicking away moisture, which leads to children not connecting the act of eliminating pee with the feeling of being wet. As children shift into toddlerhood, they can begin to wear cloth underwear.

Useful phrases:

• “Does your diaper feel wet or dry? Is there poop in your diaper?” 

• “Your underpants feel so heavy! You must have had a lot of pee come out.” 

• “I see you are squatting down and pushing. Your poop is coming!” 

Collaborate 

When a child is wet, we help them to the bathroom and collaborate with changing out of their wet underwear. We allow them to sit on the toilet to see if any urine is left that can be pushed or released into the toilet. Then once they have on dry underwear, they return to their activity.

Children need to feel involved in the toileting and changing process. They can assist in getting the clean underwear or diaper and putting any soiled items in their appropriate place. This gives children the feeling of some power or control in what is happening.

Useful phrases:

• “You can hold your shirt up while I pull down your pants.” 

• “You can open the Velcro on this side of your diaper and I’ll open the Velcro on that side.” 

• “I’ll have a turn to wipe your bottom, and then you can have a turn!”

State the Facts 

We are careful to stay matter of fact through the toileting process. Going to the toilet is a very natural thing to do, so we treat it as such. When children have wet or soiled their underpants or cloth diapers, we show them the dirty pair of underpants or diaper and where it should go. When appropriate we may even deposit feces from their underwear or diaper into the toilet. Children very quickly begin to associate and understand the process. Even when they begin to use the toilet successfully, we avoid clapping and celebrating and instead stick to the facts. 

Useful phrases:

• “Everyone poops!” 

• “Pee and poop go into the toilet.” 

• “It’s time to try sitting on the toilet.”

• “Your underpants are wet. Let’s change into some dry underpants. Do you remember where to find your dry underpants in the bathroom?” 

• “Look, there’s some pee on the floor. Please bring me the clean-up bucket from the bathroom so that we can dry the puddle.” 

Keep it Light and Friendly 

Children are very sensitive to adults’ emotions, even when we try not to show them! Thus we make sure to have a positive, light, and friendly attitude toward the toileting process. Our approach helps children feel comfortable with their normal bodily processes. So we make sure to avoid any facial expression, comment, or tone of voice that conveys disgust or dislike, frustration or impatience. We stay relaxed and positive, so children can feel that way too. 

Useful phrases:

• “We can always change into dry clothes!” 

• “Everyone used to wear diapers—even Mommy and Daddy! Now we can use the toilet. You can, too!” 

No Tricks or Treats 

We offer the toilet, but we never force children to sit on the toilet. We also avoid asking children if they would like to sit on the toilet. There is a happy middle in which we suggest that they sit on the toilet or let them know it is time to sit on the toilet. Ultimately, we trust that children will incorporate this part of daily life into their routine. Young children love the consistency of routines, so we ensure, from the very beginning, that toileting is a regular part of the day.

Bribing, reward charts, and punishments may have short-term results, but do not work for the long-term goal of helping children develop independence, self-assurance, and mastery of this essential part of their humanity. We allow children the time to be successful. Rather than scolding or over-congratulating, we know that children will learn through experience and feel proud of their accomplishments.

Useful phrases:

• “It’s time to sit on the toilet.”

• “You peed in the toilet. You did it all by yourself.”

Respect the Process 

Often when adults change children it is all done so quickly that children aren’t even aware of their bodily functions. Rather than rushing, we take time to explain what is happening and offer opportunities for collaboration. 

It’s showing the utmost respect to children when we help them learn how to do something for themselves. When children able to respond to their body’s needs, they are one step closer to being fully functioning, independent young people.

Focused on Friends (or Frenemies!)

During their elementary years, it can seem like our children are only focused on friends (and frenemies!). We hear about what happened at recess or who they sat with at lunch. They come home with elaborate accounts of being wronged. It’s easy to begin to wonder what they are really learning at school!

In Montessori we always try to understand what is happening developmentally, so we can address children’s needs and offer the best forms of support. When we consider our six- to twelve-year-olds, it’s pretty apparent how they are intensely focused on peers!

Physical Changes

As children approach the age of six, it’s easy to see the physical changes of middle childhood. Their hair becomes coarser. They lose that soft baby skin. Their first teeth begin to fall out. Their bodies become more stretched out. It is as if our children literally become rougher!

In addition, they have incredible physical stamina and can ride bikes, swim, climb trees, and play games from dawn to dusk. This newfound toughness means they are less likely to make a fuss over scrapes, bruises, or falls. Often neatness and cleanliness no longer seem to matter and we may find ourselves offering multiple reminders to comb hair, change clothes, brush teeth, or even take a shower.

A Focus on Friends

In addition to these physical changes, elementary-age children are also shifting how they relate to others. They are developing their moral compass during a time in their lives when their thinking is still pretty black and white. As a result, they are regularly trying to evaluate what is happening with everyone around them. This is when tattling can take center stage. When they come to report someone else actions, it’s often their attempt to figure out if the choices others made were right or wrong. Elementary children are trying to make sense of the rules, including how a group is organized: who leads, who follows, and what sacrifices need to be made.

In addition, elementary-age children begin to want to extend themselves beyond their family structure. This is when we start to see them separate from us as parents. They might walk ahead on the sidewalk or be reluctant to hold hands. What was previously a long goodbye at the start of the day shifts to a quick wave as they head down the sidewalk. They want to stretch beyond the bounds of home, and even past the school walls. They seem to constantly ask for playdates and sleepovers. Sometimes it can be hard to keep up with what is happening in their social world!

All of these shifts are part of normal development. In fact, it’s not just nice for elementary-aged children to be involved with their peers: it is essential for their social-emotional development. This is when children are trying to figure out who they are in relation to their friends.

Montessori Support

In Montessori, instead of working in opposition to this development, we use it to our advantage. Rather than relegate this social time to lunchtime or recess, we give lessons to small groups of children and encourage collaboration. When you come to visit our elementary classrooms, you might see a handful of children working through the steps of long division together as they navigate if 23 goes evenly into 2,425, or two students constructing the unfolding of events on an American History timeline, or a guide supporting four children sorting nouns by whether they are common, proper, abstract, or concrete.

For elementary children, there is incredible value in working with peers. Social learning comes first and foremost and opens the door for intellectual and academic pursuits. A reluctant writer can be inspired by a friend who wants to create a story together. Seeing classmates construct the periodic table can lead to an interest in learning about elements as building blocks of matter. Joining a group researching ancient Egypt can spark a lifelong joy of digging into history.

In Montessori, we also recognize that elementary-aged children need to go out beyond family and school bounds in order to practice taking steps in the broader world. To support this need, we offer opportunities for students to organize excursions based on their interests. A small group might arrange an interview with a local historian, visit a museum to see a style of art they have been studying, or even organize a trip to the store to gather supplies for a project.

At Home Support

Even though it can be hard to embrace some of the changes that emerge in the elementary years, it’s a great time to celebrate this new level of independence. Elementary-age children are more capable than ever before! The key is finding jobs and responsibilities that appeal to their sense of no longer being a little kid.

At home, we can explore opportunities for running an errand, which can start as simply as sending our kids to a different aisle in the grocery store to fetch an item from the list, or delivering a note to neighbors down the street. Eventually, they might want to take on additional jobs or responsibilities, like weeding the garden, mowing the grass, or stacking wood. Their physical stamina can be a gift as they take on bigger work at home.

When your child comes home complaining about the latest social event at school, take a deep breath and remember it’s developmental! Acknowledge their feelings and resist the temptation to want to solve the social drama of the day. Being a thoughtful and reflective listener allows our children to process and reflect on what they are experiencing in their little practice society.

If something sounds particularly concerning, it’s helpful to ask if they would like some help in solving whatever is coming up for them. Sometimes our kids just want to vent or air grievances, not unlike the times we may come home from work and just want to complain a bit. Yet it is also helpful to let our children know we can support proactive and respectful communication and problem-solving.

Although it may seem like our elementary children are only focused on friends, it’s a natural and healthy part of their development. In many ways, they are experimenting with and practicing what it means to live in a society. Our patient understanding and support will serve them well and provide hope for the future. 

5 Traits Nurtured In the Montessori Environment

When we choose a course of education for our children, we ask ourselves a lot of questions. At some point, we begin to wonder how various models align with our own personal values. What’s really important? What should the goals of education be? What do we want our children to gain from the experience?

It all depends on why and how the methods were developed. What were the initial goals when a particular approach was conceived? What do current practitioners value? These are important questions to consider.

In a list like this, you might be expecting one of the items we feature to be independence. While it’s true that we work hard to build a sense of independence in the children we guide, we talk about it so much we figured it might be nice to focus on some of the other traits that are nurtured in a Montessori environment.

When it comes down to it, Montessori educators care deeply about the academics we teach, because we are curious people who are fascinated with the world around us. But we’re passionate about other things, too. We want the children in our care to go out into the world feeling good about themselves, caring about others, and excited about what they do. That’s what drives our work. That’s what makes us feel so strongly about what we do.

Without further ado, here are five traits Montessori education nurtures in children:

1. Kindness

Interpersonal skills are some of the most important skills we can teach our students. They can learn all the math and language arts skills out there, but if they can’t interact with other people their lives won’t feel overly fulfilling. More than that, we think humans can accomplish so much more together than individually, so we may as well learn to get along with one another.

The very structure of the Montessori day allows for time dedicated to planned and spontaneous lessons about kindness. We read stories that teach children how to handle hard situations. We use role-playing games to make the work fun. And when a conflict happens in the classroom or the playground? We teach children skills in the moment. How do we handle our own emotions? How do we communicate with someone we disagree with? What does it look like to disagree but still respect one another?

Sometimes the work consists of giving children the script to work through solving issues. Sometimes we enlist the help of the whole group, discussing problems and asking for solutions without targeting individuals.

2. Powerful Work Ethic

The Montessori approach focuses on intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation can be effective in small doses and with short-term goals, like when you don’t want to do the dishes and reward yourself with an iced coffee afterward. Those types of rewards, however, are not particularly effective at cultivating a deep motivation to learn or help others.

Some people find it shocking that Montessori schools don’t give grades, have tests, or hold award ceremonies. The real world doesn’t function like that, so why should we teach children one type of motivation and then expect them to switch to something else as adults? Are employees evaluated at work? Absolutely. The thing is, they’re not receiving grades; they receive narrative feedback that highlights their areas of strengths and what they might improve on. We do the same with our students.

You’ve likely heard the argument that instead of saying “good job” to our children, we should replace that with observations such as “I notice you worked really hard on that. How does it feel to complete it?” Putting the emphasis on a person’s efforts, rather than our judgment of their accomplishments, helps nurture a developing sense of internal motivation.

Rather than focusing on accolades, our students grow with a desire to solve problems, gain insights, and pursue their passions.

3. Creativity

Put simply, Montessori encourages creativity in two main ways: we incorporate the arts whenever possible, and we give children a chance to find their own solutions to problems.

Montessori guides integrate art education in countless ways. Here are just a small sampling of what may happen in classroom during the course of the year:

• Drawing, labeling, and painting maps

• Listening to music or learning the traditional dance of a culture being studied

• Using collage to review and label the external parts of a fish

• Reading biographies about influential artists

• Teaching sewing or weaving as practical life

As mentioned, the other side of creativity involves the way we encourage our students to think. We do not simply feed them all the answers. We give lessons, sure, and provide students with factual information. But when they run up against a problem we don’t race to give them the solution. Whether it be social, academic, or something else altogether, we ask guiding questions that lead the child to generate their own possible solutions.

This, we believe, is one of the keys to developing innovative mindsets.

4. Joyful Learning

When it comes to creating joyful learners, intrinsic motivation and creativity are a pretty good start. Combine that with copious amounts of freedom and gorgeous autodidactic materials, and you have an environment that kids simply cannot resist.

We think learning is fun, or at least it should be. Otherwise, what’s the point? We really are invested in helping our students become adults who love to learn and pursue learning independently for the rest of their lives. Even the most basic of skills can be delivered in ways that are exciting. Take the Montessori positive snake game for example: it’s a game, and it involves making snakes out of colorful groupings of beads, then eventually transforming the snake until it’s entirely gold. But what’s it really about? Learning how to exchange smaller numbers to make ten in preparation for multiplication work.

5. Service-Mindedness

We believe it’s of critical importance to give our children a sense of the world as a whole and to really see the ways in which everything is connected and interdependent.

This belief is embedded into our curriculum, and most easily seen in our history lessons. In lower elementary, children learn first about the beginnings of our universe, followed by the formation of Earth, then the evolution of life on our planet. Later on, they explore early humans and early civilizations. It isn’t until adolescence that they begin to learn about more recent periods in history.

This is intentional. We believe learning about those who have come before us instills a sense of gratitude and dedication to others.

We also make a point of launching student-driven service projects. These tend to start small, and may focus on the school community. As students get older, their capabilities and visions expand outward into the greater local community. These projects look different every year, because they’re student-led.

These five traits are really just a glimpse of some of Montessori’s most revered values. There are plenty more. Want to see for yourself? Call us to schedule a tour.

Losing our Grip

Last week we posted the following article (Losing our Grip http://bit.ly/2ghoMsv) on our facebook page. The article discussed the increasing number of children in kindergarten without the fine motor skills needed to manipulate scissors, hold pencils, etc. The New York Times reported in February that public schools in New York City saw a 30 percent increase in the number of students referred to occupational therapy, with the number jumping 20 percent in three years in Chicago and 30 percent over five years in Los Angeles.

Why is this?  The article points to three causes:

1. Our culture has increased pressure on parents to involve young children in organized activities. More organized activities does not equal more body awareness. There is less time for free play and opportunities for children to manipulate their environments to understand spatial concepts. As we Montessorians know, young children learn by doing, not by being told what to do.
2. Parental Fear. Some parents are afraid to let their children engage in physical play or use tools such as scissors. Today’s children spend less time outside, where they have more opportunities to explore how their bodies move through space, learn balance and figure out how to handle tools and toys in relation to one another. Playgrounds have changed tremendously over the years. The equipment that supported sensory integration, such as merry go rounds and monkey bars, are no longer present. 
3. Technology. The “educational” tablet has replaced the activities which support fine motor skills such as playdoh and coloring. 

Montessori Children’s House classrooms offer ample opportunities for fine and gross motor development. With the absence of technology in our programs, the children are free to work towards developing their hands and bodies and in turn their minds for the academic work to come. Many people are surprised to learn that fine motor skills are a robust predictor of academic achievement. Read more about that here.

-Kari