11 Ways to Foster Independence

Developing Skills, Grit and Resiliency through Trial, Trust and Failure. 

After reading and agreeing with popular articles explaining how losing is good for kids, that grit is essential for success and that a 4th R – resiliency – has been added to child-rearing, it seemed like the next logical, large scale conversation might be:

• How do we allow failures to occur naturally in our child’s life?
• What will it look like to foster independence?
• Can my child handle what comes along?
• What can I do to encourage and show trust in my child?

Failures occur naturally when we allow our children to take a more active role in their own lives by providing them with ample opportunities to choose. Young children, with not much life experience, are bound to choose to play with a favorite toy instead of getting their snack or lunch ready for school, resulting in a hungry belly at snack time. The result is a learning experience that provides good information for the following day and a chance to develop resiliency as they experience a minor failure.

Here are 11 Ways to Put Trying, Failing and Recovery into the Everyday

1. Send the kids outside.
   
   Often, we send the kids outside when we’ve decided we’ve had enough. Enough screen time, enough rough-housing, or enough whining because they are “bored.” Instead of using outside time as a reaction to enough of something, get creative and spin it. Show the children how you used to make teeter-totters out of scrap wood. Or better yet, leave a pile of wood, nails and a hammer and see what happens. If your child is younger, allow for time to play in a puddle, pile of leaves or muddy zone. There are countless ideas out there.
    
2. Ask the kids.
   
   Consider asking your children to identify one thing they have never done, then encourage and enable them to try. The end result is not the goal. The process is! Give it a try, simply ask, “What is one thing you have never done but would like to try?” Then plan how and when, and simply be there without commentary, as they give it a go.
    
3. Start small.
   
   After we ask, we have to allow our kids to make toast, knowing it will lead to making eggs and pancakes one day. We have to slow down and say, try it. Even if as Lenore Skenazy says, “Maybe these tasks seem small, even silly, but in a culture that has created mountains of fear around every childhood experience, these kids (who are encouraged to try) have started their climb. Pretty soon, they’ll be ready to fly.”
    
4. Share stories.
   
   When we look to other people, to our own childhood stories and success stories from other children, it becomes easier to put it all in perspective. For example, Ringo Starr, a surviving Beatle, was chronically ill as a child and never finished school, in fact he spent many years in the hospital. It keeps things in perspective to think one of the most famous, beloved drummers in history discovered his own talent while tapping sticks to pass the time in his hospital stay. This certainly wasn’t a picture perfect- mom- and-dad-will-make-it-happen-route and he turned out pretty successful on his own, don’t you think?
    
5. Encourage other parents.
   
   Parents talk. Parents want what is best for their children. Avoid showing off what your child can do, but rather encourage other parents to discover for themselves that their children CAN handle more than they think.
    
6. Identify your fears.
   
   After your child has chosen a task, it’s helpful to write down the fears you have. Once you do this, you can plan for how you will respond if your worst fears actually come true. (Example: If I let my child pack her bag, she will forget her boots. I am afraid the school with think I am a bad parent. Plan: I will send a note saying I am encouraging my child and if she forgets her boots, we will work on ways to remember them at home.)
    
7. Get the facts.
   
   After writing down your fears, get the facts. If you’re afraid of the bigger, “what- ifs” like abduction, find out the real stats and then plan accordingly. See Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. Bottom line: instead of putting the axe on an idea altogether, find another way to create the same experience through alternative planning and enabling.
    
8. Let go.
   
   Here’s where we, as moms and dads, have some work to do on ourselves as we develop the habit of letting go. We can try to control the outcomes and direction of our children while they are young, but as our children get closer and closer to leaving the nest, it is imperative that they learn and practice staying afloat and recovering in the wake of mistakes and mishaps. If we impede their progress neither of you will be prepared for what the real world will deliver from 18-years to 80-years-old.
    
9. Practice, practice, practice.
   
   In order for kids to experience and garner meaning and develop resiliency from the lumps and bumps, the ups and downs, the oopsies and flops that go hand-in-hand with all learning, kids will need oodles of practice time. And as parents, we have our own job to practice stepping out of the way and trusting our children. No parent I know is likely to wake up one day saying, “Alrighty kiddo- this time you’re on your own.” Likewise most kids won’t wake up one day saying, “No problem, I didn’t make the team or I forgot my lunch, I’ve got this,” without some practice. Baby steps and practice are good for everyone in the family.
    
10. Keep track.
    
    When parents keep track of the efforts and outcomes, it becomes very clear that over time, these “simple” tasks add up. They also keep motivation high and evidence in hand that yes, children do benefit from us backing off and staying quiet (grab the duct tape) and showing our kids that we have faith in their abilities to tackle new things and overcome failures.
     
11. Celebrate!
    
    If your second-grader made eggs for the first time (after four failed attempts with shells in the scramble), he’s a rockstar because he’s taking on more responsibility and he did it. He made it through the failures, as minimal or as grand, as they may seem to us. This is progress! Have a big breakfast and make it a celebration.

As children grow and mature, parents can foster independence by allowing children to make choices, learn from them, make necessary course corrections, experience failure and success and develop the resiliency they require to tackle any of life’s challenges and obstacles. As the Buddhist Quote says, “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” 

- By Vicki Hoefle (Guest Blogger) 

Join me for a lively workshop on Monday, October 6th, 7-9pm,
right here at Hollis Montessori School. Details & Directions

Vicki Hoefle
Creator, Parenting on Track (TM)
Author, Duct Tape Parenting
www.vickihoefle.com

How to be a Montessori Parent

Just like there is more to being a mother than conceiving and bearing a child, there is more to being a Montessori parent than sending your child to Montessori school.  Being a Montessori parent involves taking a real interest in what your children are doing in school, engaging in the school community and making Montessori a way of life outside of school.

I haven’t had any training but I think I understand some basic tenets of the Montessori method and it seems like the most natural way to learn in my mind - similar to the way a mother duck or horse teaches their young. They show the little ones what to do (the presentation), encourage them to try it on their own (the work) and then allow them to rely on their new skill (independence).

In our quest to be Montessori parents, my wife and I try to remind ourselves to observe a few key guidelines that are worth thinking about:

1. Let children play - resist the urge to over-organize free time and allow active play time. Play fosters imagination, creative problem solving and interpersonal skills when others are involved.

2. Dive into things they show interest in - like showing how a key actuates a deadbolt - allow time for questions and comprehension.  This is hands-on learning which always sinks in quickly but even more indelibly when they are asking for it.

3. Let them do it - try to wait a little longer than is comfortable before jumping in to help them when they are trying to do something such as tie their shoes, pronounce a new word or graph an equation.  There’s nothing better than the feeling of accomplishment to help children develop self confidence and independence.

4. Keep them by your side - don’t stick them in front of the TV or iPad when you need to get things done around the house.  This requires patience and it will take longer to get things done at first but children want to do what their parents do and they want to help. Eventually, this pays off when the “help” turns real and they are picking up life skills.

Of course, this all requires commitment and tremendous effort but it is as important as being a good mother or, maybe, it’s just part of being a good mother (or father).

-John (HMS Parent)

9 Tips for a Successful Start to School

Schools are opening for a new year. The teachers are ready, the students are excited, the parents happy, we are all in that “sweet spot” of the first days of school. Soon, ever so gradually, the questions will begin, solutions sought. Maintaining that “sweet spot” is important and to help keep it alive we offer here 9 essential tips for a successful beginning of school.

1. Get Enough Sleep. Our children are busy. Too busy. In children, lack of sleep has been linked to behavior problems and the inability to concentrate and perform well in school. We all understand the importance of quality sleep, but when asked, parents responses are often well below the National Sleep Foundation recommendations. The NSF recommends children ages 6-10 get 10 to 11 hours of sleep per night and that teens get about 9 hours.
    
2. Read your School’s Handbook. Really, read it. Everything you need to know on policies and procedures are contained within. Make it your bedtime reading. It may even help you sleep better at night!
    
3. Foster Trust. In yourself, the school you have chosen, your child’s teacher and your child. From the moment our children come into our lives we are beginning to let them go and trust their development. Do what you can to improve this trust: ask questions, observe, be a volunteer in the school, participate in your child’s learning.
    
4. Communicate. This goes hand in hand with building trust. Your teachers and administrators want to hear from you. They want to work with you for the benefit of your child. Agreeable solutions only happen when communication is open and flowing.
    
5. Gift of Time: For the  young child, the very act of slowing life down and giving him time to move at his own pace allows him to really experience and understand what he is doing. Creativity and new ideas spring from the opportunity to allow our older children time to daydream and process what is expected of them. It is also empowering for the child to set the pace of family life once in awhile. In order to support this, please turn off the screens and set aside time for this to happen.
    
6. Respect and Accept your Child’s Gifts and Limitations: Know who your child truly is, rather than who you wish him to be. And then, follow him to his points of interest. He will thank you for it. 
    
7. Allow Independence. Teach your child how to get himself out of bed, make his lunch, prepare for the next day. Work to avoid the “rescue”  when things are forgotten or left undone. Let him learn through his mistakes. They are the lessons most remembered.
    
8. Teach Your Child Organization: Are you working like crazy to keep everyone and everything organized? Take a moment to teach your child how to organize himself and the things he needs for school. Help him to learn that being responsible and prepared supports his confidence and feelings of well being.
    
9. Lighten Up! Current news reports tell us that EVERYTHING is important and immediate. Some things are. Many things are not.Take a deep breath in the moment, consider perspective, and consciously tell yourself that this too shall pass. Patience and humor go a long way in supporting our children.

Cautious? or Overprotected?

A headline in the Nashua Telegraph last fall proclaimed: “School Yard Game of Tag Banned.” This caught my attention! What was the harm in this playground game? The principal stated that “the game of tag seems innocent enough, however the force with which students tag varies greatly and this game, in particular, has been banned in many schools in the U.S. due primarily to concerns about injuries.”  This wasn’t the only headline like this in recent news. A school in Long Island banned balls from the playground this past fall, and you can read similar examples from other towns across America. Have these decisions gone too far? Some parents thought so.

Children's play has long been understood to have a key role in the development of their future life skills. Real play, when children are in charge, instinctively making hundreds of decisions as they assess and determine the levels of risk they want to take—physically, emotionally and socially—allow mastery, day by day, in an increasing repertoire of skills which add to their bank of experience.

What had changed so much since my own childhood of climbing to the top of the monkey bars and playing king of the hill? Modern fears and anxiety, in a world much safer than ever before, has led to a risk-adverse culture that can express itself in what some perceive as overbearing safety policies. What’s forgotten are the benefits of learning about and discovering risk. Fears of litigation increase tendencies to err on the side of caution, often creating standards that lack real play value.

Through play, children acquire confidence, but also an awareness of limits and boundaries. They learn, in short, how to be safe. For our children, we must remove the bubble wrap of overprotectiveness and grant them the opportunity to play in ways that challenge themselves.

So, to my own children, who have much loved the opportunity to climb trees, cross creeks, and climb as high as they are comfortable, I pledge to continue giving you the opportunity to challenge yourself, for it is only through your own experiences and choices that you will truly learn the skills for this game of life.

We want to hear from you! What do you think about playground risk?

Read the Atlantic Monthly article here: The Overprotected Kid

Kari