How to Raise a Resilient Child

Resiliency, or the ability to recover after periods of hardship or difficulty, is a critical skill for us all to have. There are so many factors that contribute to a person’s levels of resilience, and it can be nurtured and strengthened at any age. In this post we take a closer look at how parents can help their children develop this important ability. (The good news is, you’re already doing at least some of it!)

Making Connections

Multiple researchers have concluded that one of the most important factors in a child’s ability to develop resilience is the connections they have with the adults in their lives. Even if a child has just one, stable, caring adult in their life that supports them no matter what, their ability to be resilient increases greatly.

Making other connections helps, too. It’s great for kids to learn how to form positive social interactions with adults other than their parents, as well as with their peers. We learn so much from the people around us, and having others to celebrate your victories with and to lean on when times are hard helps us all to bounce back.

Offer Choice Within Limits

Of course we’d say this! And it’s true...having a sense of autonomy and independence, while also feeling safe within the boundaries defined by a caring adult is a great recipe for success.

Children need structure. They need routines. They need to know what to expect. They need to have the feeling of security that comes with consistency. It takes a lot of hard work on the part of us as parents, but it is so important that we create these structures so that our children may explore their independence and autonomy within them.

As for the choice part? This can be seen in so many different ways. Kids can pick out their clothing, have input on what to eat, and be part of family fun-time decision making. They need to have the sense that they are in control of themselves. That sense of control helps to build confidence that will be immeasurably helpful in the future.

What might this look like?

Let your toddler pick out what color pants to wear.

Ask your preschooler whether they would rather brush their teeth or put their pajamas on first.

Let your elementary-aged child pack their own lunch - after you teach them what types of foods are needed for proper nutrition.

Remember that your adolescents who are begging for independence are also secretly craving boundaries; each child is different but make sure you are clear about what limits are important.

Have Fun!

At least one study found that a cognitively stimulating environment benefited children in the development of resiliency. Some quick ideas:

• Provide developmentally appropriate puzzles and board games

• Building toys (blocks, Legos, marble runs, etc.) are great for all ages

• Incorporate music into your home life

• Have some basic art supplies available

• Make physical activity fun and frequent

Stay Positive

Children who are able to frame life in a positive light are much more apt to be resilient, and positivity is best learned through modeling. If you are positive, your child will likely be as well.

This can be challenging during prolonged periods of stress, which every family is likely to experience at some point. Even during those times, find little ways to reflect on gratitude. One simple way is to emphasize the importance of a family dinner, and to each share something positive about the day. Even at the end of a bad day, a moment of reflection can help remind us all what we have going for us.

Teach Skills Proactively and As the Need Arises

What helps you stay afloat? Whether it’s exercise, deep breathing, meditation, hobbies, or staying in touch with friends (or probably a combination of many things), teach your child these skills. Taking time to care for ourselves is critical, and should be taught when children are young.

As your child gets older, you may notice specific needs arising. Address these as they come up, although sometimes it’s best to wait for a calm moment.

Remember, one of the most important facts in cultivating resilience is that a child has an adult in their life that consistently supports them. You’re already there, and you’re already doing that. We are so grateful for the amazing families in our community.

Do you have any more ideas you think we should share with families?

Want to learn more? Check out these great links:

Resilience in children and youth: A review

Fostering Resilience in Children. ERIC Digest.

Center for Developing Child - Resilience

Resilience guide for parents and teachers

On the Topic of Competition

You may have noticed that in Montessori schools, we do not typically encourage competition between children.  Our lack of traditional grading is one obvious marker of this approach, but you will notice that the lack of peer competition threads itself pretty much throughout the entire program.  This is quite intentional, and we work hard to give children a foundation built on competition with oneself, rather than with others.  

It is important to note, however, that a Montessori education does not leave children unprepared for “the real world”.  We recognize that competition is a part of life for many, and we work hard to cultivate characteristics that will allow children to engage in healthy, fulfilling competitive experiences.

Curious to learn more about what we do?  In this post we not only explain why we favor internal motivation, but what we do to help nurture well-rounded and adaptable children.

Internal versus External Motivation

One of our core values as Montessorians is that we believe intrinsic motivation is far more powerful than external rewards.  This has been the foundation of our educational model for over a century.  In recent years, studies have backed the theory that we are most successful when we are driven by our own internal motivations, not perceived rewards (like prizes, grades, or money).  Information on one such study can be found here.

How We Prepare Children for Healthy, Real-World Competition

Montessori schools can sometimes feel like a bit of a protective bubble.  As educators, we need to recognize this and make sure we are preparing children for what comes next.  Montessori students tend to be highly successful when they eventually move on to more traditional schools, regardless of when that might be.  The following character traits are cultivated throughout a child’s time with us, and we believe this is part of what it takes to create successful and fulfilled people in the long run.

Self Confidence

We all like having the ability to believe in ourselves, and we do whatever we can to guide our children toward feeling the same way.  From a very young age, Montessori children learn to do things for themselves.  They are respected by the adults in their lives and their personal autonomy is honored. 

When a toddler sweeps up her own crumbs, she feels it.  When a four-year-old makes his own sandwich for the first time, he feels it.  When an eight-year-old solves a challenging long division problem, they feel it.  

We build routines and structures that allow children to accomplish big things, and to revel in the feelings of self-accomplishment.  After many, many of these experiences, children develop a strong sense of self, and an “I can do it” attitude.

Resiliency

In Montessori classrooms, we know what children are capable of.  We know that traditional settings often expect less than what is developmentally appropriate for them.  When our students feel driven to work hard on challenging tasks, failure becomes an early and welcome part of their experience.  

As adults, we often equate failure with negative outcomes.  In reality, failure is nothing more than a learning experience, and we can use that experience to guide us toward mastery.  When following an internal desire to learn about or accomplish something, children welcome these necessary building blocks.  They see them for what they are: another motivator to keep pushing forward. 

Independence

If it’s not already obvious, our students are encouraged to be as independent as they are able to be, both according to their age and their individual needs.  This means they do not need to rely on others to get started on or execute tasks; they have plenty of experience confronting challenges independently.

Having a strong sense of independence allows us to take on leadership roles.  It brings us towards self-awareness and trusting our own abilities.  Our independence can encourage us to block out unimportant details and distractions, leading us to focus clearly on the task at hand.

Cooperation

While independence is critical to our success, it is equally valuable to be able to work cooperatively with others.  Many competitive situations involve teams of people working together toward a common goal, and this is something Montessori children get lots of practice in.

We recognize that one of the hallmarks of the elementary age (6-12) is that children are highly motivated by social interactions.  To this end, we carefully craft the classroom environment to support this need.  Children are given lessons in small groups, and even the furniture is arranged for a variety of seating options. If you were to observe in an elementary classroom, you would notice most of the children clustered in small groups working together, and this inevitably leads to many opportunities to practice important skills like compromise, flexibility, and advocacy. 

Self Advocacy

Montessori classrooms have a bit more flexibility in terms of daily scheduling than most settings.  One critical element that must remain is the three-hour work cycle in the morning.  Beyond that, our guides are able to schedule class meetings regularly, or any time conflict arises.  We teach our students skills they need to navigate all sorts of interpersonal situations, including how to advocate for themselves.  

Another interesting aspect of a Montessori classroom is that even young children have frequent opportunities to present their work and ideas to their classmates.  Being able to stand up and speak in front of a group of people from the time one is six years old seems to have a profoundly powerful effect on how we are able to convey, with confidence, our ideas and feelings.  

Did you know that there are a number of well-known figures who attribute their Montessori education at least partially to their success?  In this video, NBA MVP Stephen Curry shares how his own Montessori education gave him the confidence necessary to become the successful adult he is today.

11 Ways to Foster Independence

Developing Skills, Grit and Resiliency through Trial, Trust and Failure. 

After reading and agreeing with popular articles explaining how losing is good for kids, that grit is essential for success and that a 4th R – resiliency – has been added to child-rearing, it seemed like the next logical, large scale conversation might be:

• How do we allow failures to occur naturally in our child’s life?
• What will it look like to foster independence?
• Can my child handle what comes along?
• What can I do to encourage and show trust in my child?

Failures occur naturally when we allow our children to take a more active role in their own lives by providing them with ample opportunities to choose. Young children, with not much life experience, are bound to choose to play with a favorite toy instead of getting their snack or lunch ready for school, resulting in a hungry belly at snack time. The result is a learning experience that provides good information for the following day and a chance to develop resiliency as they experience a minor failure.

Here are 11 Ways to Put Trying, Failing and Recovery into the Everyday

1. Send the kids outside.
   
   Often, we send the kids outside when we’ve decided we’ve had enough. Enough screen time, enough rough-housing, or enough whining because they are “bored.” Instead of using outside time as a reaction to enough of something, get creative and spin it. Show the children how you used to make teeter-totters out of scrap wood. Or better yet, leave a pile of wood, nails and a hammer and see what happens. If your child is younger, allow for time to play in a puddle, pile of leaves or muddy zone. There are countless ideas out there.
    
2. Ask the kids.
   
   Consider asking your children to identify one thing they have never done, then encourage and enable them to try. The end result is not the goal. The process is! Give it a try, simply ask, “What is one thing you have never done but would like to try?” Then plan how and when, and simply be there without commentary, as they give it a go.
    
3. Start small.
   
   After we ask, we have to allow our kids to make toast, knowing it will lead to making eggs and pancakes one day. We have to slow down and say, try it. Even if as Lenore Skenazy says, “Maybe these tasks seem small, even silly, but in a culture that has created mountains of fear around every childhood experience, these kids (who are encouraged to try) have started their climb. Pretty soon, they’ll be ready to fly.”
    
4. Share stories.
   
   When we look to other people, to our own childhood stories and success stories from other children, it becomes easier to put it all in perspective. For example, Ringo Starr, a surviving Beatle, was chronically ill as a child and never finished school, in fact he spent many years in the hospital. It keeps things in perspective to think one of the most famous, beloved drummers in history discovered his own talent while tapping sticks to pass the time in his hospital stay. This certainly wasn’t a picture perfect- mom- and-dad-will-make-it-happen-route and he turned out pretty successful on his own, don’t you think?
    
5. Encourage other parents.
   
   Parents talk. Parents want what is best for their children. Avoid showing off what your child can do, but rather encourage other parents to discover for themselves that their children CAN handle more than they think.
    
6. Identify your fears.
   
   After your child has chosen a task, it’s helpful to write down the fears you have. Once you do this, you can plan for how you will respond if your worst fears actually come true. (Example: If I let my child pack her bag, she will forget her boots. I am afraid the school with think I am a bad parent. Plan: I will send a note saying I am encouraging my child and if she forgets her boots, we will work on ways to remember them at home.)
    
7. Get the facts.
   
   After writing down your fears, get the facts. If you’re afraid of the bigger, “what- ifs” like abduction, find out the real stats and then plan accordingly. See Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. Bottom line: instead of putting the axe on an idea altogether, find another way to create the same experience through alternative planning and enabling.
    
8. Let go.
   
   Here’s where we, as moms and dads, have some work to do on ourselves as we develop the habit of letting go. We can try to control the outcomes and direction of our children while they are young, but as our children get closer and closer to leaving the nest, it is imperative that they learn and practice staying afloat and recovering in the wake of mistakes and mishaps. If we impede their progress neither of you will be prepared for what the real world will deliver from 18-years to 80-years-old.
    
9. Practice, practice, practice.
   
   In order for kids to experience and garner meaning and develop resiliency from the lumps and bumps, the ups and downs, the oopsies and flops that go hand-in-hand with all learning, kids will need oodles of practice time. And as parents, we have our own job to practice stepping out of the way and trusting our children. No parent I know is likely to wake up one day saying, “Alrighty kiddo- this time you’re on your own.” Likewise most kids won’t wake up one day saying, “No problem, I didn’t make the team or I forgot my lunch, I’ve got this,” without some practice. Baby steps and practice are good for everyone in the family.
    
10. Keep track.
    
    When parents keep track of the efforts and outcomes, it becomes very clear that over time, these “simple” tasks add up. They also keep motivation high and evidence in hand that yes, children do benefit from us backing off and staying quiet (grab the duct tape) and showing our kids that we have faith in their abilities to tackle new things and overcome failures.
     
11. Celebrate!
    
    If your second-grader made eggs for the first time (after four failed attempts with shells in the scramble), he’s a rockstar because he’s taking on more responsibility and he did it. He made it through the failures, as minimal or as grand, as they may seem to us. This is progress! Have a big breakfast and make it a celebration.

As children grow and mature, parents can foster independence by allowing children to make choices, learn from them, make necessary course corrections, experience failure and success and develop the resiliency they require to tackle any of life’s challenges and obstacles. As the Buddhist Quote says, “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” 

- By Vicki Hoefle (Guest Blogger) 

Join me for a lively workshop on Monday, October 6th, 7-9pm,
right here at Hollis Montessori School. Details & Directions

Vicki Hoefle
Creator, Parenting on Track (TM)
Author, Duct Tape Parenting
www.vickihoefle.com